Hello & Welcome to the latest Blog Post I've ever had. Oh well. 

So... I originally wrote that part of this post back in February... and then preceded to ignore my blog for another couple of months. 

Here we are mid-way through 2021... and boy, has it been a year for me. I think one of the measures of my mental wellness is my ability to reflect and make time and come here to this safe brave space for myself. Does that make sense? My blog is usually a monthly ritual that I perform for my own, personal well-being and I purposefully chose to sideline it for half the year. There are many reasons for this: I wasn't very mentally well and so tacking on another project felt like a chore or a task to me... and I don't want my blog to ever feel like that, some of what happened this half of the year would definitely explain it, and I always sideline personal reflection and wellness when other things (people, priorities, jobs, school, work) take priority. 

But here we are. 

First, a quick and dirty of the past 6 months: 

January

Started the new year with my favorite person to start new years with: Liz J. We enjoyed a nice quiet time in her home. I worked for Andover Newton and helped mostly with social media throughout the month. Joyce came down and visited me and we celebrated RiRi's birthday virtually! I discussed some MSW stuff with an advisor and ended the month Volunteering at LifeBridge.

February 

We started the Spring Semester on February 1st! I got my first COVID shot. My friends Averyn, Natalie (NOP), and I hosted a few virtual social hours throughout the semester and got some GrubHub vouchers for participants--it was a lot of fun. The month ended with NOP's birthday. The month also included some ~wonderful~ family stuff that definitely did not help my mental health. 

The courses I took this semester were Principles and Practices of Preaching, Old Testament Interpretation II, History of Modern Christianity, Baptist Polity, and Introduction to Womanist Theology. They were challenging, especially taken altogether, but I did well and I'm proud of myself. 

March 

Started the month with my second COVID shot! Figured out some more joint program stuff. Throughout the month I met with some pretty cool new people that I'm glad to call friends. It was pretty busy with school though. 

April 

Ended March and started April with a wonderful visit from Jessica! We got to see so many familiar faces and places and it was a very lovely time. RiRi came up from Philly and we went to go stay in a hotel with Joyce in Burlington because we were all vaccinated! It was a wonderful mini-vacation away from the stress of school and New Haven. I'm so thankful we did it and ate such ~delicious~ food while doing it. That weekend, my roommate moved out:) Had to get some new furniture the next week, but that was okay! We had a frisbee golf Youth Event which was a beautiful way to spend an afternoon. I ended the month co-facilitating a Keynote speech for Tsai CITY featuring Porter Braswell, which you can find here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIqiVKvwBU0. I am very proud of it (and I came up with most of the questions asked!) I also toured my future home. :)

May

Last month was the end of the school year and finals season! I went to a wedding, figured out my summer jobs, and attended quite a few mini-graduation celebrations! I also helped Joyce move to start her PA program:), met Felix in NYC, and properly started Summer Break. 

On to the post:

Impossible Year

"Impossible Year" takes it's name from the Panic! At the Disco closing song to their 2016 album Death of a Bachelor. There are three reasons as to why I chose this title: 

1. This past year (and some change) with the pandemic has seemed endlessly difficult. Isolation is a bitch and does wild things to people... Have you noticed yourself slip back into old patterns and ways of being? Have you been more irritated than normal? Have you taken the time to process the trauma of this past year... the 3.7 million lives lost to this horrid disease on account of human insolence and lack of perspective? Who and how are you now compared to who and how you were? This was an Impossible Year.
2. Starting a new program is difficult especially when you've found a sense of home among friends in your last two programs- University of Vermont & my AmeriCorps fellowship. I'm adjusting to being alone to make friends for myself and to fit myself within a new community once again. It's tiresome, especially in such an isolating time. "There's no good times... this impossible year. There's no you (@my best friends) and me... this impossible year."- P!atD The friends I had at home were also unavailable to see because there was a deadly disease out there! We needed to be safe and careful to keep health and wellness!
   It was an Impossible Year.

   

   Parts of my Home:)

3. The rest of this blog post... lmao.  Here goes...

I feel like I've discussed this quite a bit in previous posts, but my Great Oaks experience was really difficult for me for a number of reasons... the administration within the school and within the Great Oaks greater structure made me and my friends live in horrible, incomplete housing and consistently gaslighted us into compliance. It was an experience that made me feel a lack of confidence I hadn't felt in a while, and of course, it was not the best of circumstances in which to start a pandemic. 

Needless to say, I was searching for stability after that experience. Stability is something I crave. Stability and peace are something that I want. I don't always think I deserve it, and so sometimes I introduce chaos into my relationships, but I felt like I had come to a point where I was over and done with that. 

Enter in: a sociopath. It was an Impossible Year. 

Without naming specific situations, or names (though, if you are my friend or read my blog, you can deduce a little bit), or even going big into details with this past year, I am going to do my best to describe my experience. 

In combination with where I was in my life, searching for stability, and the timing of this pandemic, I slipped back into an old pattern of searching for stability within and from another person. I don't regret how much of myself I showed to my roommate, because I will never regret being myself... even when I make mistakes. But, somehow, through communicating my affect, stating my needs, and reflecting with him, I was made out to be a bad person... relying too much on my friends, expecting too much out of him, being told I was acting petty and passive aggressive. I was made to feel like I had to become a better person to keep a friendship with someone who, to be quite fair and honest, really doesn't have any friends. I tried to show him love. I tried to show him passion. I tried my best to love someone who wasn't able to be loved, who wasn't able to be loved in the unconditional way that I know how. 

There were times in which I let him make me feel like I wasn't a worthy or good enough friend... despite the wonderful friends who make me feel loved and worthy in my life. There were times in which I felt like I was causing harm, by trying my best to be there for him for 8 long months. This isn't to say that my impact was always in-line with my intent and this isn't to say that my intent was always good. All I'm saying is that I tried my best for someone who didn't do the same for me. 

There were times in which I slipped back into old ways of being, old patterns of loving people more than I love myself. I pledge, right here, right now: Never Again. 

My roommate did not only cause harm to me, but to so many members of the Yale Divinity School community... and in such a short amount of time. He tainted so many people's experience and I am so glad that he will no longer inhabit space at this institution. He was toxic and undeserving of the kindness that so many people showed him. 

At some point, I was completely iced out before he decided it was time that he moved out. I'm talking complete silence and discomfort in our home... all I had asked for was honesty and communication. I didn't feel like that was too much to ask for, but I also know that sometimes being in my presence, as someone with a large and bold personality, it's difficult for people to share their true feelings. I want to create spaces where my reactions to constructive criticism aren't deterrent. I want to be a better version of myself, not for anyone else or to keep anyone else, but for myself.  

I hope one day that my ex-roommate finds the help and love that he so clearly needs and craves. I hope he processes the amount of harm that he caused in this space and in spaces prior. I hope no one else falls prey to his emotional manipulation. 

I feel freer now that I am living alone. I am thankful for what I've learned from living with him, but I hope to never be in that situation again. I hope to search for stability in myself and find it. 

I would like to reflect upon the resolutions I made for myself before 2020 started, before I knew about a pandemic, and reaffirm them. 

1. More Time Alone: It's not a surprise that after this horrid experience, coupled with the roommate I had before my time at YDS, I am choosing to live alone for the rest of my grad school experience. So far, living alone has provided me the opportunity to spend more alone time with myself, to no longer feel anxiety from existing within my space, and to take up space and have ownership in my space in ways that I've never felt before. I'm excited because this is a completely new experience for me. I found a cute, comfortable place in West Haven and I'm excited to find home and stability for myself within myself and my space. I do, however, need to maybe spend a little less time calling my friends whenever I feel lonely because I need to challenge myself to spend time and enjoy my aloneness a little more. 
   
2. Practice Mindfulness: Originally this was related to eating, dieting, and going to the gym. This past year has been difficult for me physically and mentally. Like a lot of other people, I'm in the worst shape in my life. I do not like the body I inhabit and I do not like how often I allow my cravings to take over. Living by myself has provided me with the freedom to fill my fridge with all the things I want, to cook meals just for me, to not have to share fridge space, groceries, or meals. I am regaining my abilities to plan out my meals more, I am making myself walk to work in the mornings unless it's raining, and I want to check out the Yale gym. On top of that, I want to develop more embodiment and spiritual exercises as I attempt to dedicate more time to myself and my wellbeing. We'll see where this takes me. 
3. Exploration of My Identities: The goal is to read a bunch this summer! Thankfully, the Andover Newton Summer: Writings for Excellent Reading Series is a wonderful opportunity for me to dive deep into books that explore different intersecting identities. I'll be participating in this on top of the other books that I have just sitting on the shelves. I've gotten to wrestle with myself through my education as well. 

I don't know if there's a goal for any of theses resolutions, but I do know that they are important parts of my journey as I fall deeper in love with myself and my being. I think the main goal that I have for myself in this time is the name to a very infectious and maybe, sometimes annoying song... 

I vibed with this song a lot when it came out because it felt like my journey out of my home state. It felt like my journey out of the closet. Now it feels like the journey out of these prescribed ways of being that I've forced myself to exist within, and have had forced upon me by others. I am choosing to let go of others' expectations of me. I'm choosing to slowly work on letting go of my insecurities. I don't know how many times I've said this in how many posts, but I choose to live my life for me and for myself only. 

I originally recorded this for my first Blog Post of 2021 in January, but... time passed and here we are at... my first Blog Post of 2021 in June... feeling even more of the feelings I felt then. Sorry it's really quiet? But it felt good to sing so oh well! Also, notice my lyric change because Elsa wtf? Crying is healthy, girl!

This Impossible Year has brought me to some of the lowest depths of my being time and time again. Wounds that I thought healed surprised me. Hurt that I thought I was over resurfaced. I am continually reminded that I am myself--including all the younger little selves that make up my being. 

Throughout it all, I have overcome this Impossible Year and I am working toward an even better version of myself because of it. Because that's what I deserve. (Do I sense Era 4.5? Idk time will tell)

If you know me, you would know that I like to catalog my reflections of self, especially in New Circumstances through my About Me section on Facebook. I thought, since this feels like a new chapter in my life, it's a good time to update it. The last major update I made to it was back in October 2019! Here goes: 

My name is Jamal Davis Neal, Jr.

Welcome to my About Me.

I hope whoever reads this learns more about me, whether it be an old or a new friend.

It's pretty long though, so I wouldn't blame you if you didn't.

R.I.P. Daddy, I miss and love you so much.

12/19/72-12/29/10

I'm trying to love myself, and everyone else, as much as I can, but it's hard, so please be patient with me. Sometimes I don't want to try my best and sometimes I give people more love than I give myself. I am trying to learn balance. I am trying to learn the many forms love comes in. I believe love comes from God because God is Love (1st John 4:7-8)

I grew up in a small coastal town called Groton, CT.

I am a 23 Year Old Joint Degree student of Yale Divinity School and UConn School of Social Work. The goal is to earn two Master's Degrees in Divinity and Social Work in 2024. You can see my progress toward that journey here and on my blog, called My Search for a Purpose, found here: http://existwithmeaning-jdnj.blogspot.com/. I usually update this blog once a month, but sometimes life gets in the way. Here on Facebook I catalog that journey through pictures!

These programs act as education toward my goal and calling to spread light, love, and truth. I want to make meaning-making resources--whether that be therapy, identity development exercises, religious literacy, historical literacy, etc.--available to marginalized youth. I want to explore their faith and intrapersonal relationships and support them in ways that I feel I lacked during my life experience. 

One of the biggest things that is central to my identity is my spirituality. I hope that my actions outweigh my words. I hope to be a beacon of light through Christ by shining love onto people. My goal is to never have to prove that I love God.

In the past, I've used this space to outline my goals. They are goals that I will continue to work through for the rest of my life because there is no arrival to these skills. Right now, all I want to say is that I am growing and I will keep growing, because I believe that is the most important thing to be in this life.

I love God. I love my Blackness. I love my Queerness. I love my emotional vulnerability and all the intimate relationships I've formed with the people I love and know love me. I will keep exploring myself, my identities, and my friendships. I'm excited to keep living and keep learning. 

I want to show my experience to the people I love; this is part of the reason why I care so much about the "About Me" section on Facebook and part of the reason why I have my blog. I hope that through my exploration of love for myself, I encourage, inspire, and challenge others to grow, live with, and love themselves.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Hopefully my next blog post comes sooner than this one did. I may even post some of the work that I did throughout the year! Who knows? I'll see you then!

Thank you for taking the time to read.