Hold Up

Thank you to those of you who read my last blogpost and those of you who obviously seem to want more and have returned!

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So... on with my February Post.

First I'm going to talk about the Beyoncé LEMONADE song that both inspires this blogpost and provides some symbolism to where my headspace is at right now.

"Hold Up" is the second song on the LEMONADE album and is part of the chapter on Denial. Throughout the song, Beyoncé states her mans "Hold up, they don't love you like I love you" and informs him that her loyalties lie and have lied within him and their relationship. The description of the song, according to Genius, talks about Beyoncé stating "her intention to figure out where his loyalties lie, even if it means losing her sanity" and though the song music itself is fairly upbeat, "the actual content of the song... deals with rage and resentment." This is very relevant to me right now and I will discuss it within this post.

The Denial chapter further supports the lyrics of "Hold Up" with preceding poetry, most notable for me right now: "I tried to change, closed my mouth more. Tried to be soft, prettier. Less... awake."

I'm angry. I'm disappointed. I'm upset. I am exhausted.

If you are a close friend of mine then you know that I don't like being angry. I find I let myself, when saddened by something, or just generally upset, to just sit in that feeling; meditate and marinate and find out what exactly has upset me, but anger is different. I feel as if, if untamed, anger can manifest in uncontrollable and honestly, enjoyable ways. I want to scream at people. I want to yell all the time. I want to let loose.

There are a lot of things happening on campus right now in the form of racial tension. I think it's been very "fitting" for this Black History Month. Across campuses nationwide, including UVM, there has been an insidious and subtle onslaught of white supremacist agendas and messages. The POC at UVM, most notably Black Women, are tired of the Bullshit, and a faculty member, John Mejia went on a week-long, water-only hunger strike to protest the bullshit, and to positively impact and inspire students. What they've done has worked and has sparked so many young people into action, including myself.

This week has been filled with rallies that have provided positive spaces for POC's, and has also fueled a lot of anger toward the administration at UVM. Three administrators were called out and have been demanded to either cooperate and enact change at UVM or resign for not doing their job well: President Tom Sullivan, Provost David Rosowsky, and Vice Provost for Student Affairs Annie Stevens. Our administrators are avoiding tough conversations; they aren't enacting change at our school or in our community fast enough, and we are tired of their bullshit and seeming lack of action. POCs shouldn't have to feel unsafe at a place of learning. We shouldn't have to even hear that someone wants "to shoot all the niggers" on campus. There is no room for that ANYWHERE, and it especially shouldn't be entertained on a college campus.

Just action isn't being served at UVM and I am angry, disappointed, upset, and exhausted. I'm tired of having to feel like I need to change, close my mouth more, be softer and prettier. I want to be me. Loud, proud, black as hell, me.

Changing the course of this post, I want to focus on how I've felt personally impacted by recent situations in my life and the thoughts that have been crowding my mind.

Every year it seems as if I have a major friend loss. Every year it seems as if I'm telling people, "oh I'm not friends with that person anymore" and sometimes there's a component of those situations where people can see or know how I'm upset by those situations, but I've found myself telling people "oh well, I'm better than that" or "yeah it sucks, but whatever, life" or "yeah they just weren't good enough for me." But that isn't how I feel all the time.

When these situations happen I have people telling me things like "oh I don't understand why you were friends with them in the first place, they were bad friends." Which just isn't great to hear, because it basically tells me that my judgment was wrong, which, when formulating and developing within these friendships, I didn't feel that and I still don't regret them happening. I'm glad to learn from all the things that have happened and I'm glad to be where I am now.

But, at the same time, every friendship loss makes me question my self-worth, not only because of this apparent lack-of-judgment that my friends seem to believe I possess, but also because, sometimes, I feel as if I'm not worthy enough for friendship in the first place, or for being loved, in general. Sometimes I ask myself, "am I losing friends because when they get closer and get to know me more they see how repulsive I am?" or "is this why I haven't had a significant other in my life yet?" or "wow I must really suck if I can't keep more than a few stable friendships longer than 6 years or so?" And, of course, there are exceptions to these- I know someone's been romantically interested in me, I have a few friends who have been in my life for a really long time, and I think I'm a pretty great person, but these thoughts can't seem to escape my head sometimes.

And part of that is because there seems to be a problematic nature within some of my friendships that I need to address. First through this blogpost because, honestly, I'm a coward and can't confront my friends because I'm scared that they'll leave me like all the others have, and then in person when I feel comfortable to finally talk about it.

Sometimes, and this has happened in every single one of my friendships, which I feel is natural; I feel as if I can't say what I truly, honestly 100% feel. I feel as if my opinion is unappreciated or the friend feels as if what I'm saying is a personal attack against them. I feel as if I can't be 100% myself sometimes- and that's loud, and maybe annoying, and maybe confrontational, and maybe attention-seeking, and maybe needing validation and just general acknowledgement of the things that I'm saying. I feel as if my friends come to me with all of their complaints because I give good advice, or I'm a sounding board for their problems and I'm okay with it, or because I'm a good listener, or whatever it is, but constantly having to be a positive energy in all these situations is exhausting.

My goals for 2018 are inclusive of being more appreciative and grateful, and with all the negativity that surrounds me daily in virtually all of my relationships, I feel as if I am not able to grow in that way. I'm trying to be more positive, so yeah, sometimes it might not be exactly what you want to hear, but in the grand scheme of things, these little problems you come to me with are not important. And I don't mean to invalidate anyone's feelings by saying that, but being this person for a lot of people is so, so very tiring and I feel as if I'm not getting that same energy back from my friendships that I'm putting in. I feel as if I'm more a friend to some people than they are to me.

Part of this is because of this bubble I'm feeling trapped in- not being able to be 100% me, not being able to say all the things I want to say, not being able to show my friends who I really am without fear of judgment or resentment. I want to be appreciated more by being shown I'm a good friend and not just by being told. Compliments would be nice to hear sometimes. I don't know. I just feel so unvalidated so much recently.

Overall, I feel as if I've been forced to change, open my mouth less, be softer, and prettier and it makes me angry, disappointed, upset, and exhausted. I get enough of this from the WASP-centric society that we live in, I get enough of it from the comments sections of my "radical" posts and news articles discussing my involvement in demanding justice at UVM; I don't need it from the people I love.

That's not how this blogpost ends, though. Throughout this rage and resentment that I've been feeling from multiple areas of my life, from the friends who have left me long ago and the ones who've left me recently, I can't help, but show myself that I'm the shit and that I'm worth it and that the ultimate way to happiness is through self-love.

I feel like I've been through a lot in my short 20 years of life and I feel like I've grown through all these experiences, but I have a lot more to learn and a lot of growing to do still, especially in terms of loving myself.

"Hold up, they don't love you like I love you" needs to be true for myself. No one loves me more than I love me and that's extremely important, because at the end of it all, without real family and chosen family, the ONLY person that loves me more than me is God. On Earth, I need to know that I'm worth all the shit that I've gone through and that I'm capable of being loved, and the only way to know that is by showing myself that love. My loyalties really rely in myself first. This is why I think I need to spend some more time with myself and worrying about myself than other people. 2017 was a great year for me to really get down-and-dirty with these ideals, but 2018 is going to be filled with even more self-care and self-love.

I hope I inspire others to do the same.

Thank you for reading.