Forward

Hello and welcome to a new blog post by yours truly.
I'm sorry this blog post is 2 weeks late, but I promise there is a reason for that that I will address for most of this blog post.

First- A Life Update:

• My residents have been fine, but haven't really been coming to my events so y'know RA life isn't too terrible ;) 
• UPB is going well! I love my position and I love the people that I work with so much. I'm so glad they're all in my life and I can't wait to get to know them better as the year goes on 
• Retreat made me so happy and so excited 
• The UPBeans of Color hangout made me very happy and excited as well 
• I went home last weekend and honestly it was the best thing that I needed for my mental health. I got to get ahead on homework, I got to spend time with some good friends, and I got to enjoy lots of time with my little cousins, which I'm appreciating more and more as I, and they, get older. I'm happy to be developing serious relationships with them and I can't wait to see them again when I'm home in mid-November.

Now onto the more serious part of this blog post. 

The song that I take inspiration from Beyoncè's LEMONADE for this post is "Forward" and I can't think of anything more fitting for this time of my life. 

"Forward" is the shortest song on the album, but also serves as a turning point in the relationship that Beyoncè describes throughout the album. It's time to take a step forward, together. 

The lyrics are: "Forward. Best foot first, just in case. When we made our way 'til now- it's time to listen, it's time to fight forward. Now we're going to hold doors open for a while, now we can be open for a while-forward. I love you more than this job, please don't work for me- forward. Go back to your sleep in your favorite spot just next to me. Forward, forward."

During this song, black women are being shown holding pictures of black people in their life that have been killed unjustly through pure hate and discrimination and racism. I think the idea of this was to still hold on to this sense of love being more powerful than all of that and to acknowledge your pain, while also making sure, going forward, your justice is made through love and compassion. 

The inspiration I'm drawing from these lyrics, right now, is to move forward in my life in order to live my life to the fullest. 

On Sunday, September 30th, around 4pm, I was called by my direct supervisor on UPB about someone who passed away: Nikisha Falcone. A lot of people described her as a beacon of light on campus in their posts about her, and while she provided so much for other people, I fear she didn't get everything she deserved from other people. It was really tragic and I spent the rest of the day crying, sharing stories, and watching for glimpses of her in others with my fellow coworkers. It was a time when we came together and it was really powerful for me. 

In the weeks since, people have been telling me "sorry" and sometimes I just feel really upset about that because I felt like I shouldn't be apologized to: I wasn't someone who was super close to her and other people, like her family, her closest friends, deserve consolation and apologies and to be extra cared for- not me. Right?

The thing that helped me move forward was hearing stories from others who were closer to her, being able to be a shoulder to cry on and to cry with, offering advice to people who were grieving, and making sure I provided emotional support. In addition to this, really taking steps in ways to make sure that I was still growing and not just wallowing in sadness. 

Sometimes I feel ashamed by this. Should I be sadder? Should I be more emotionally distraught, or drained? Why am I avoiding all of these events people are hosting to celebrate Nikisha's life? Is it really because that's not the healthiest space for me or because I'm avoiding real, raw emotions?

In the end, I realized that I was invalidating my experience. People grieve in different ways, and that's okay as long as we all know to move forward, as long as we know not to blame anyone else for anything and allow them to grieve and find the peace that they need to sustain themselves. 

The ways that I've been trying to heal myself are through listening to music, getting ahead on homework, making sure I have time for myself, including going to the gym, and really working hard on changing my eating habits. (And writing this blog post, which honestly is helping me get out a lot of feelings). Going home was something that I also needed, but also provided a little bit of harm as well, just because I feel like I can't exactly be 100% me at home. And that's okay, because I don't need to be 100% me at home until I am there permanently. I am 100% myself within myself and I will continue to make sure I provide myself ways to be the same me in every single context. 

I've been trying to love life as much as I can and inspire that in other people, inspire love and light and make sure people can get as much of it as they need. 

Another thing that I've been invalidating for myself are my opinions about death. Through my faith practices (American Baptist, if you didn't know), and personal beliefs, I am a firm believer that everyone has a chance to achieve some sort of enlightenment. My personal version of that is heaven. What heaven encompasses, whether it be oneness with God, or an eternal, dreamy, cloudy, wonderland with beautiful music, is something that I don't know and am still grappling with. 

Even though Nikisha didn't believe in a heaven, and would honestly be pretty iffy at me about talking about this, I firmly believe that Nikisha is in a better place, whatever that could mean for her. I know that sounds like some written-off bullshit for some people, and "religion has nothing to do with this" to other people, but I believe that and I believe that she can feel our love and I believe that death is not a cessation of the existence of a person, rather a continuation in a transcendent realm free from the pains that accompany material life.  

The theme for this part of LEMONADE is Resurrection, which is also very fitting for this topic. A really important thing that is included in this section in the film is a woman stating: "Mmm, mmmm, mmm. Hallelujah. Thank you, Jesus. I just love the Lord, oh yeah. I'm... I'm sorry, brother. I love the Lord, that's all I got. When your back is against the wall and your wall against your back, who you call? Hey! Who you call? Who you call? You gotta call him. You gotta call Jesus... cause you ain't got another hope!" And if this doesn't describe my relationship with my faith, I don't know what else can. I love God and Jesus and I find a calling to live my best life through them, and that's how I'm able to move forward through a lot of the emotions I'm feeling. I am able to process my emotions because of my firm belief that God will continue to lead my life toward light and love. 

The last thing that Beyoncè says during this section is "You are terrifying... and strange... and beautiful. Magic" While I believe she may be stating this for Jay's benefit, I think it fits my belief in the relationship between death and life for me. Terrifying. Strange. Beautiful. Magic.

I'm sorry if this just ended up being a really long ramble. 

I'm not sorry if you feel like this was inappropriate: please don't invalidate the way that I'm trying to process all of this and please, if you're reading this and were negatively impacted by Nikisha's passing, try your best to move forward without harming other people. 

I'm sure Nikisha would want that. 

Thank you for reading, 

Jamal