Sorry
Thank you to those who have been keeping up with this series of blogposts.
I'm sorry that this one is three days late; I've been a little busy with getting ready for #finalszn and everything. And also I'm so not productive right now and it's becoming a problem and I can't wait until I'm home in 6 days.
Anyway, please feel free to comment or talk to me about my post if you feel so called. If not, that's okay too!
On with my April post...
As usual, I'm going to begin with the LEMONADE track that inspires this post. Genius describes "Sorry" as "a defiant breakup song, a middle-fingered clap-back anthem about having strength and confidence in the midst of an otherwise serious and emotionally tugging breakup." While I've never gone through any romantic break-up of any sort, I have been through plenty of friend breakups; extremely messy ones, I might add.
In addition to this, the Apathy chapter supports the lyrics of "Sorry" with Beyoncé stating to the person who's cheated on her: "So what are you gonna say at my funeral now that you've killed me? 'Here lies the body of the love of my life, whose heart I broke without a gun to my head. Here lies the mother of my children both living and dead. Rest in peace, my true love, who I took for granted, most bomb pussy, who, because of me, sleep evaded. Her shroud is loneliness. He God is listening. Her heaven would be a love without betrayal.'"
Like I said, while I've never had a romantic break-up, I've had plenty of messy ass friend breakups. There have been times in which I've felt taken for granted. There have been times where I couldn't sleep because of how anxious I felt after losing a friend. There have been times where I wished I had had a love without betrayal.
People suck and they aren't honest. People suck and they stab you in the back. People suck and they can hurt you. I always think that it's important to take these hardships and work though it; learn from those relationships and the mistakes that you may have made and become a better person. Not for anyone else, but yourself.
Originally, I thought that the Apathy chapter was focused on Beyoncé's mindset toward the world; just a general apathy- an all-consuming weight of lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern. It seems as if I've projected my feelings onto what it's supposed to really mean, given the context of "Sorry" being played during this chapter.
What I mean by that is, throughout all of the friend breakups, I thought I received this extremely clear message that I was the common problem. The common denominator among all of the people that have left my life is me, right? It must be. I've lost a significantly close friend every year of my life since starting high school.
It feels like, through telling myself that I was the problem, I felt a pressure to become more apathetic to the happenings going on around me. It feels like, even some of the people that I currently have in my life, want me to become more apathetic as well. I care a lot about a lot of things; I am a very passionate person who puts so much effort into everything that I care about and do- sometimes I stumble and fall, but that's what being human is like. Sometimes, I feel like it would be easier to be apathetic to life- become invisible, shut my mouth more, be quieter, less caring. Sometimes I find myself slipping into this sort of mindset:
"Maybe if I shut my mouth more, people would appreciate what I say more often."
"Maybe what I'm saying isn't interesting and that's why this person is interrupting me."
"Maybe I should keep my thoughts to myself- no one is really interested in what I have to say anyway."
"Maybe I shouldn't care. No one is as enthusiastic about this as I am. Is it abnormal for me to care so much about this?"
"Wow. That's not the reciprocated attitude I expected out of sharing this news. Is what I'm doing so insignificant that it can't even elicit reactions out of other people?"
I have tried to assume this type of response to life. I have tried being quieter and showing up less in spaces. Especially with this little self-deprecating voice of mine that asks me these questions and comments on moments during which I've been disappointed by a friend.
But I was wrong. It's not easier. At least, not for me. I care. I have high expectations of my friends because I have high expectations of myself as a friend.
I think the Apathy chapter of LEMONADE is partly about trying to be apathetic, but failing. I believe that Beyoncè may have tried the same methods in order to win her husband's love back, but they didn't work either. They might not have been healthy for her personally, even if it meant a chance of winning her love back.
I feel like the Apathy chapter is really about her giving herself up to be more free, and that's what I've been trying to do recently; showing apathy toward other people's feelings about me, making sure that I'm showing up in spaces as myself for myself.
"Sorry" is about Beyoncè living her best life. She "ain't sorry. No, no, hell no." And that's what I need to remind myself from time to time. I shouldn't ever be sorry for being myself. Ever. If I hurt others, then that's a different story, but I shouldn't feel an apathetic pressure from the people I surround myself with. I shouldn't ever have to succumb to making myself duller because other people can't keep up.
I shouldn't be called extra when others are simply just not enough.
The people who have left my life aren't good enough for me and I fully believe that. I fully believe that I am better than feeling sorry for myself. I fully believe that it was them who broke my heart without guns to their heads; they chose what they chose because of who they were, not because of who I am. As Beyoncè would say: "Ashes to ashes, dust to side chicks." I don't need crusty, unchanging, terrible people in my life and I honestly feel ashamed of myself for begging some to stay for as long as they did.
I have made changes in my life to be the best me that I can be. I still need work in a lot of areas including finding love in my heart for all the people who've wronged me, because I believe that that's the right thing to do, but it's hard being a better person. Sometimes it's easy to slip back into being apathetic when I let myself wander too far from my core values. All in all, though, it's more rewarding living my life for myself and not for other people.
I feel like I'm on the path of being more forgiving and caring to myself. I feel like I am on the path of being a better friend to the ones who've remained in my life. I feel like I'm becoming better at communicating how I feel. Personally, most of the time, I feel like I'm the shit and I want to inspire that in others- make them feel like they are also the shit.
To quote a song from another Beyoncè album: "This my shit, bow down bitches... I been on, I been on, I been on, tell me who gon' take me off, take me off, take me off, take me off." I'm not going to let others dictate how I feel about myself. No one is going to "take me off". I'm sick of feeling like I need to be apathetic in order to survive.
I hope this post was more than just a bunch of jumbled ideas to those who read it. I lowkey feel like a mess right now and my thoughts are everywhere. I just hope that my message still came through.
Thank you so much for reading.
I'm sorry that this one is three days late; I've been a little busy with getting ready for #finalszn and everything. And also I'm so not productive right now and it's becoming a problem and I can't wait until I'm home in 6 days.
Anyway, please feel free to comment or talk to me about my post if you feel so called. If not, that's okay too!
On with my April post...
As usual, I'm going to begin with the LEMONADE track that inspires this post. Genius describes "Sorry" as "a defiant breakup song, a middle-fingered clap-back anthem about having strength and confidence in the midst of an otherwise serious and emotionally tugging breakup." While I've never gone through any romantic break-up of any sort, I have been through plenty of friend breakups; extremely messy ones, I might add.
In addition to this, the Apathy chapter supports the lyrics of "Sorry" with Beyoncé stating to the person who's cheated on her: "So what are you gonna say at my funeral now that you've killed me? 'Here lies the body of the love of my life, whose heart I broke without a gun to my head. Here lies the mother of my children both living and dead. Rest in peace, my true love, who I took for granted, most bomb pussy, who, because of me, sleep evaded. Her shroud is loneliness. He God is listening. Her heaven would be a love without betrayal.'"
Like I said, while I've never had a romantic break-up, I've had plenty of messy ass friend breakups. There have been times in which I've felt taken for granted. There have been times where I couldn't sleep because of how anxious I felt after losing a friend. There have been times where I wished I had had a love without betrayal.
People suck and they aren't honest. People suck and they stab you in the back. People suck and they can hurt you. I always think that it's important to take these hardships and work though it; learn from those relationships and the mistakes that you may have made and become a better person. Not for anyone else, but yourself.
Originally, I thought that the Apathy chapter was focused on Beyoncé's mindset toward the world; just a general apathy- an all-consuming weight of lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern. It seems as if I've projected my feelings onto what it's supposed to really mean, given the context of "Sorry" being played during this chapter.
What I mean by that is, throughout all of the friend breakups, I thought I received this extremely clear message that I was the common problem. The common denominator among all of the people that have left my life is me, right? It must be. I've lost a significantly close friend every year of my life since starting high school.
It feels like, through telling myself that I was the problem, I felt a pressure to become more apathetic to the happenings going on around me. It feels like, even some of the people that I currently have in my life, want me to become more apathetic as well. I care a lot about a lot of things; I am a very passionate person who puts so much effort into everything that I care about and do- sometimes I stumble and fall, but that's what being human is like. Sometimes, I feel like it would be easier to be apathetic to life- become invisible, shut my mouth more, be quieter, less caring. Sometimes I find myself slipping into this sort of mindset:
"Maybe if I shut my mouth more, people would appreciate what I say more often."
"Maybe what I'm saying isn't interesting and that's why this person is interrupting me."
"Maybe I should keep my thoughts to myself- no one is really interested in what I have to say anyway."
"Maybe I shouldn't care. No one is as enthusiastic about this as I am. Is it abnormal for me to care so much about this?"
"Wow. That's not the reciprocated attitude I expected out of sharing this news. Is what I'm doing so insignificant that it can't even elicit reactions out of other people?"
I have tried to assume this type of response to life. I have tried being quieter and showing up less in spaces. Especially with this little self-deprecating voice of mine that asks me these questions and comments on moments during which I've been disappointed by a friend.
But I was wrong. It's not easier. At least, not for me. I care. I have high expectations of my friends because I have high expectations of myself as a friend.
I think the Apathy chapter of LEMONADE is partly about trying to be apathetic, but failing. I believe that Beyoncè may have tried the same methods in order to win her husband's love back, but they didn't work either. They might not have been healthy for her personally, even if it meant a chance of winning her love back.
I feel like the Apathy chapter is really about her giving herself up to be more free, and that's what I've been trying to do recently; showing apathy toward other people's feelings about me, making sure that I'm showing up in spaces as myself for myself.
"Sorry" is about Beyoncè living her best life. She "ain't sorry. No, no, hell no." And that's what I need to remind myself from time to time. I shouldn't ever be sorry for being myself. Ever. If I hurt others, then that's a different story, but I shouldn't feel an apathetic pressure from the people I surround myself with. I shouldn't ever have to succumb to making myself duller because other people can't keep up.
I shouldn't be called extra when others are simply just not enough.
The people who have left my life aren't good enough for me and I fully believe that. I fully believe that I am better than feeling sorry for myself. I fully believe that it was them who broke my heart without guns to their heads; they chose what they chose because of who they were, not because of who I am. As Beyoncè would say: "Ashes to ashes, dust to side chicks." I don't need crusty, unchanging, terrible people in my life and I honestly feel ashamed of myself for begging some to stay for as long as they did.
I have made changes in my life to be the best me that I can be. I still need work in a lot of areas including finding love in my heart for all the people who've wronged me, because I believe that that's the right thing to do, but it's hard being a better person. Sometimes it's easy to slip back into being apathetic when I let myself wander too far from my core values. All in all, though, it's more rewarding living my life for myself and not for other people.
I feel like I'm on the path of being more forgiving and caring to myself. I feel like I am on the path of being a better friend to the ones who've remained in my life. I feel like I'm becoming better at communicating how I feel. Personally, most of the time, I feel like I'm the shit and I want to inspire that in others- make them feel like they are also the shit.
To quote a song from another Beyoncè album: "This my shit, bow down bitches... I been on, I been on, I been on, tell me who gon' take me off, take me off, take me off, take me off." I'm not going to let others dictate how I feel about myself. No one is going to "take me off". I'm sick of feeling like I need to be apathetic in order to survive.
I hope this post was more than just a bunch of jumbled ideas to those who read it. I lowkey feel like a mess right now and my thoughts are everywhere. I just hope that my message still came through.
Thank you so much for reading.
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