Freedom
Hi! Welcome to another Blog Post!
It seems that I've gotten into the habit of posting these later than I mean to, but hey at least I'm doing them in the first place!
This post is going to be longer than most because a lot has been happening in my life, and I have a lot of feelings, and I have a lot to see about the particular nature of this post.
First, per usual now, a life update:
It seems that I've gotten into the habit of posting these later than I mean to, but hey at least I'm doing them in the first place!
This post is going to be longer than most because a lot has been happening in my life, and I have a lot of feelings, and I have a lot to see about the particular nature of this post.
First, per usual now, a life update:
- My birthday is a month from yesterday so that's pretty exciting! I'm ready to turn 21 and have my first sip of alcohol ever!! Can't wait! I also really love my birthday so, friends in Burlington and @ UVM (redundant I know), get ready for the Birthday DIVA to come out starting on November 26th ;))))
- I've been really positively impacted by the amount of feedback I've gotten back about my last blog post. I hope that this one can be impactful as well. Thank you so much to all the people who read the last one and commented on my Facebook post about it
- I've started having protein shakes instead of lunch in order to control the amount of calories that I'm ingesting, and it's been pretty good so far! I was getting stomach aches and headaches at the beginning, but I think it's because I had to adjust and put more filling things into the smoothies and not because of my FEAR which is that I'm ALleRGIC to Whey, but I'll keep y'all updated
- I've worked out 3 times a week for the past 4 weeks and I'm really proud of myself for getting back into the routine of going to the gym. A lot of this working out hasn't been too conducive of losing weight/fat, because it hasn't been as much cardio as I would like, but more strength training, but I'm trying to do more cardio in these next coming weeks. My main fear, going forward right now, is not continuing this when I'm home for breaks- in which case I'll be more cognizant about what's going into my body- but I'm exploring getting a new membership at Planet Fitness. What's really preventing me from outright getting one is cost effectiveness. I'm hoping, when it gets close to Thanksgiving, there will be a deal or something that I'll be able to capitalize on.
- I've made a Facebook page called 'The Positive Jamal" to mirror my Instagram account "thepositive_jdneal" in creating fun, creative, and positive content as an expression and appreciation of life. This will be inclusive of most of my Instagram posts on that account as well as some things just using Facebook's tools. The link is here: "The Positive Jamal" if you're interested.
- My main thoughts in pursuing a Facebook page for this is both to have a larger group of people to enjoy this part of me with, but also because I like Facebook as a platform a lot and I think it might be more conducive to some of the things I want to do. I hope it works out well.
- UPB has been great these past few weeks! We had Dr. Dog, Frankie Cosmos, and Father Figuer come for our Fallfest 2018 on the 19th, and the following Saturday, the 27th, we had CandyShoppe where I got to scare people as a Zombie in our Zombie Maze. Both of these events have provided a lot of opportunities for us to bond as a team and really take some time to do what we love doing. I'm glad that our family has become stronger over the past few weeks, and we're already thinking about recruitment for next year! Time has really been flying!
- Schools and grades have been going okay. During the second round of exams, I feel like I did better than my first round, so I'm happy about that. I'm hoping that I can finish out the semester strong as we get through this last month and a half! I've been really good about keeping ahead on homework and so I'm really happy about that
- I've been cuddling with a mans and it's been nice ;) no more info for y'all tho bc I'm sneaky:)
- Next Tuesday I'm going to Harvard Divinity School to experience the Diversity & Explorations Program! I'm excited about that and will provide more information on my experience in my next blog post.
- In addition to that, I've been accepted to be a facilitator on the 2019 Next Step Social Justice Retreat. Training starts tomorrow and I'm really excited about that too! More information to come as that gets closer!
All in all, I'm just ready for Thanksgiving break to come so that I can spend some time processing, reflecting, and spending time with family and friends at home.
Okay, before I get into the real meat of this post- I'm going to talk about the Beyoncè aspect of it first.
"Freedom" is the 10th song on the album and features a closing rap from Kendrick Lamar. This song is about letting go off the bitter aspects of the relationship- the feelings of Beyoncè cheating on and has also been described as an anthem to the Black Woman. Genius says "Throughout the song, Beyoncè alludes to herself as a force of nature who can empower other women like herself to break free of the bonds society places on them." She not only mentions her struggle with being cheating on as a black woman, alluding to the history of slavery and what the past has inflicted upon current African Americans. The song is powerful and one of my favorites on the album.
Kendrick's rap literally counts down to freedom from oppression: "Ten Hail Marys, I meditate for practice. Channel 9 news tell me I'm movin' backwards. 8 blocks left, death is around the corner. 7 misleadin' statements 'bout my persona- Six headlights wain' in my direction. Five-0 askin' me what's in my possession... When they carve my name inside the concrete I pray it forever reads- FREEDOM"
There's a lot that can be taken from the song, and I feel some type of way about not talking more about the core elements of the song, like the black woman experience that is embedded in it, and all of Lemonade for that matter, but at the same time this blog is meant to be about my experience and I'm not going to apologize for that. Also, instead of talking about my favorite quotes on the track, I'm going to discuss them at the end of this post.
Before I do that, however, I just want to talk about this song's placement in the film. "Freedom" takes place during the chapter on Hope. In this part, Beyoncè not only surrounds herself with powerful black women, but she also uses the imagery of producing more powerful black women with the man she loves using Warsan Shire's words:
"The nail technician pushes my cuticles back, turns my hand over, stretches the skin on my palm and says: 'I see your daughters, and their daughters.' That night in a dream the first girl emerges from a slit in my stomach. The scar heals into a smile. The man I love pulls the stitches out with his fingernails. We leave black sutures curling on the side of the bath. I wake as the second girl crawls headfirst up my throat. A flower blossoming out of the hole in my face."
This flower represents growth from betrayal. A hope of the future- an investment into their future as a couple and as a family. Healing and growth are able to come out of all this pain- everything is love. Hope is the answer that Beyoncè uses to address the hurt that she has felt. Hope is a guiding light, a powerful force to freedom.
Which brings me to what I actually want to discuss about myself in this post. Strap in because it's about to get hella real and hella personal.
First I'm going to talk about what "Freedom" and freedom has meant to me in the past.
Back in good ol' 2016, SHIT went DOWN behind the scenes with my friend group back at home. I'm going to spare a lot of details for the sake of the people that were involved and because it's none of anyone else's business, but it was basically so dramatic and unnecessary, and ultimately, I'm glad that everything happened because I really am happier without some of those people in my life. At this point in my life I was dealing with a friend breakup that didn't need to affect me nearly as bad as it did, but did- it really made me put up walls and really had me fucked up for a hot second. But, I'm through that now and I'm happier where I am now.
I didn't find out about any of this behind-the-scenes Drama™ until August 2017. I learned that the drama that had occured throughout the year, was in fact, not my fault at all and really all this deep shit that was going on. I felt tricked and betrayed that my friends behaved in the way they did and it really messed up my idea of what trust and friendship really was. Earlier, in March, when I thought part of this drama was all my fault, (and don't get me wrong, some of the deep-seeded resentment within the group before all of the Drama™ happened is and will always be my fault for starting, but I grew, learned, and moved on while others didn't), our group chat fell apart. And that's okay because I really think that group chats are unhealthy and the way ours was running was even MORE explicitly unhealthy.
When the group chat ended I finally felt some sort of peace. For a while I felt as if I had to be the glue to hold this group together- something that I forced upon myself when we were still in high school, and some pressure I felt continuing after that. I felt as if I was never appreciated for my efforts- for opening up my home, for cooking for them, for providing fun and safe and lasting memories with these individuals and now I was free from feeling like that. I was free from ungratefulness. I was free from this chat that was no longer feeling good to me.
So, naturally, in my "I want to express my thoughts in the things that I create," I named my album on Facebook during this time "Freedom" with the following description:
Okay, before I get into the real meat of this post- I'm going to talk about the Beyoncè aspect of it first.
"Freedom" is the 10th song on the album and features a closing rap from Kendrick Lamar. This song is about letting go off the bitter aspects of the relationship- the feelings of Beyoncè cheating on and has also been described as an anthem to the Black Woman. Genius says "Throughout the song, Beyoncè alludes to herself as a force of nature who can empower other women like herself to break free of the bonds society places on them." She not only mentions her struggle with being cheating on as a black woman, alluding to the history of slavery and what the past has inflicted upon current African Americans. The song is powerful and one of my favorites on the album.
Kendrick's rap literally counts down to freedom from oppression: "Ten Hail Marys, I meditate for practice. Channel 9 news tell me I'm movin' backwards. 8 blocks left, death is around the corner. 7 misleadin' statements 'bout my persona- Six headlights wain' in my direction. Five-0 askin' me what's in my possession... When they carve my name inside the concrete I pray it forever reads- FREEDOM"
There's a lot that can be taken from the song, and I feel some type of way about not talking more about the core elements of the song, like the black woman experience that is embedded in it, and all of Lemonade for that matter, but at the same time this blog is meant to be about my experience and I'm not going to apologize for that. Also, instead of talking about my favorite quotes on the track, I'm going to discuss them at the end of this post.
Before I do that, however, I just want to talk about this song's placement in the film. "Freedom" takes place during the chapter on Hope. In this part, Beyoncè not only surrounds herself with powerful black women, but she also uses the imagery of producing more powerful black women with the man she loves using Warsan Shire's words:
"The nail technician pushes my cuticles back, turns my hand over, stretches the skin on my palm and says: 'I see your daughters, and their daughters.' That night in a dream the first girl emerges from a slit in my stomach. The scar heals into a smile. The man I love pulls the stitches out with his fingernails. We leave black sutures curling on the side of the bath. I wake as the second girl crawls headfirst up my throat. A flower blossoming out of the hole in my face."
This flower represents growth from betrayal. A hope of the future- an investment into their future as a couple and as a family. Healing and growth are able to come out of all this pain- everything is love. Hope is the answer that Beyoncè uses to address the hurt that she has felt. Hope is a guiding light, a powerful force to freedom.
Which brings me to what I actually want to discuss about myself in this post. Strap in because it's about to get hella real and hella personal.
First I'm going to talk about what "Freedom" and freedom has meant to me in the past.
Back in good ol' 2016, SHIT went DOWN behind the scenes with my friend group back at home. I'm going to spare a lot of details for the sake of the people that were involved and because it's none of anyone else's business, but it was basically so dramatic and unnecessary, and ultimately, I'm glad that everything happened because I really am happier without some of those people in my life. At this point in my life I was dealing with a friend breakup that didn't need to affect me nearly as bad as it did, but did- it really made me put up walls and really had me fucked up for a hot second. But, I'm through that now and I'm happier where I am now.
I didn't find out about any of this behind-the-scenes Drama™ until August 2017. I learned that the drama that had occured throughout the year, was in fact, not my fault at all and really all this deep shit that was going on. I felt tricked and betrayed that my friends behaved in the way they did and it really messed up my idea of what trust and friendship really was. Earlier, in March, when I thought part of this drama was all my fault, (and don't get me wrong, some of the deep-seeded resentment within the group before all of the Drama™ happened is and will always be my fault for starting, but I grew, learned, and moved on while others didn't), our group chat fell apart. And that's okay because I really think that group chats are unhealthy and the way ours was running was even MORE explicitly unhealthy.
When the group chat ended I finally felt some sort of peace. For a while I felt as if I had to be the glue to hold this group together- something that I forced upon myself when we were still in high school, and some pressure I felt continuing after that. I felt as if I was never appreciated for my efforts- for opening up my home, for cooking for them, for providing fun and safe and lasting memories with these individuals and now I was free from feeling like that. I was free from ungratefulness. I was free from this chat that was no longer feeling good to me.
So, naturally, in my "I want to express my thoughts in the things that I create," I named my album on Facebook during this time "Freedom" with the following description:
"I had my ups and downs, but I always find the inner strength to pull myself up. I was served lemons, but I made LEMONADE" - Hattie White (Jay Z's Grandmother)
"If you're going through it, just know it's called 'going THROUGH it.' You're not gonna get stuck there, you're not gonna die. You're gonna survive."- Tina Knowles
Named after Beyonce's song off of LEMONADE.
Here's to living for myself and not for other people and for being free from bs. :)
Album includes NEACURH Spring Leadership Conference 2017 at SUNY New Paltz, Spring at UVM ft. Springfest, The end of Sophomore Year at UVM, NACURH Summer Leadership Conference 2017 at Purdue University and The End of my Dreadlocks (March-May 2017)
The album started with videos of myself dancing and singing to "Freedom" and while I don't talk about this, I feel like the way that I express myself is a form of art. I want to develop a culture that is me- that is a fully expressive version of myself through my interactions with others, through being who I am, through this blog, through my Positive Instagram account, through this new Facebook page that I made. This album was the start of that because now I had TIME and ENERGY for that. The albums before that, but post-the start of my self-discovery journey in Junior year: "Life: The Biggest Troll", "Memories", "282 Miles", "LEMONADE", "19", and "'7/11" were sort of the start to that, but "Freedom" was supposed to evoke something, was supposed to MEAN something- something to me and the way I was feeling and HOW I wanted to express it regardless of anyone else's thoughts, feelings, or actions. I am happy I started that and it brings me so much joy to have done something for ME.
After this "Freedom" that I was feeling, I started to also distance myself from contacting people at home. Purposefully at first, because I wanted to be present at UVM for my last two years. I spent a majority of my undergraduate years Skyping and staying at home not doing much because I felt like I needed to always be "on" for people who were not always "on" for me.
I stopped Skyping people. I stopped initiating texting. I stopped caring about keeping in touch with people as much because I felt, if they were my friend, they would understand the feelings that I was feeling, they would know that this was good for me, and they would catch up with me when I got home. In a song called "FRIENDS" on the EVERYTHING IS LOVE album by The Carters, Jay Z talks about wanting to die and letting himself burn with his house before doing anything that isn't supportive of his and his wife's marriage and ends the line with: "If y'all don't understand that,we ain't meant to be friends."
I lost another friend from that friend group because I was taking care of myself and not them for once. Eventually, I got busier in school and can say that I'm genuinely happy that I did what I did. And the friends that stuck with me through it are definitely people I want in my life.
So that's the past- but let's bring this up to the present.
Lately, I've been feeling not okay. I felt this way sort of before Nikisha died, but obviously, my priorities and my feelings were occupied with grief and sadness over the loss of such a great person. Now that I've felt not okay for a whole month and have grieved and have been able to settle back into a routine, I've started to really analyze the ways in which I'm not okay. I want to make it clear that I'm not saying this so that I can have a pity party, I'm not saying this to evoke anything out of people; I'm saying this because this is my blog and is meant to be a space for me to express myself in whichever way I choose.
I'm not okay and that's okay.
Some of this has to do with my body image. I've been overweight most of my life and I feel trapped within a body that I hate sometimes. I love food and I love working out, but I need to mentally change my habits in order to support a better and healthier lifestyle for myself. In order to feel comfortable and free within my own skin, I know what I have to do and it's just hard.
I'm not okay and that's okay.
Some of this has to do with my family. I just feel as if they are doing a lot of things that a family shouldn't be doing. I'm not going to go into much detail about this for the sake of the privacy of my family, but they honestly lowkey got me fucked up.
I have been deeply taught that in order to be worthy, to really gain true appreciation from my family, I had to use my intelligence to be a doctor. Part of this definitely has to do with our race and what they think is "better" for me, but emotionally and mentally, I never wanted to be a doctor and I never should have gone into Neuroscience as a major. Financially, I never should have gone to UVM, I should've taken a Gap Year to work, I should've worked 40 hours a week every summer, I should have been pushed as well as intrinsically motivated, to critically think about things like: Since I didn't do well my first two years of college shouldn't I change my major? Maybe college isn't best for me right now? Maybe this isn't where I should be going? Ultimately, I'm happy with where I am. There are experiences that I've had that I wouldn't trade the WORLD for, but I can't help, but wonder what would've happened if I had realized my true passions earlier or was encouraged to do so by someone who wasn't a rich white woman in the Honors College at the University of Vermont.
My passions are in Psychology, in religion, in learning more about human conditions. As I've stated, I want to get a dual degree in Divinity and Social Worker in order to be a minister and Licensed Clinical Social Worker so that I can help people, through family counseling and therapy, make their home feel like home- and to grow together and communicate together in order for it to keep being home. I know so many people who are messed up because they have never had a home or they don't feel like their home is home anymore, and that breaks my heart. I want to be able to prevent this.
My home hasn't felt completely like home for a while and that's because of the deteriorating health of my grandparents, deep resentment within my family dynamics, and much much more. No one is attempting to make it remain a home. My mom is what home is for me, even if I don't help her realize that sometimes. My cousins are home for me and I really try to make them feel loved and appreciated and thought about. My friends are home for me.
I'm not okay and that's okay.
Speaking of my friends, I haven't talked to my friends much about what has troubled me lately and that's just because I'm always plagued with the thoughts of "Oh, my friend is bringing this problem to me and they are emotionally distressed. It seems as if they need me more than I need them." And I feel this way about a lot of my relationships. And that's okay- I really do want to be a rock for people. I want to help them feel loved and appreciated and heard and thought of and listened to. Some of the reasons behind why I haven't shared can be attributed to not being provided the space to share, but most of it has to do with a part of my personality that has been developing for a while.
As much as I am extroverted, and loud, and talkative, I'm really a private person. I have a lot of thoughts that I just don't share. My cuddle buddy is an aspect of my life that I'm not particularly open to sharing my thoughts about. My family is not something I like to share a lot about. My inner thoughts, including my realization of past traumas and inner turmoil are things that I don't want to talk about. Partly because I need to take time to reflect and critically think, but most of it is just because I don't want to. The reasons I'm bringing this up, however, is because, in listening to my friend's problems, which I don't wish to invalidate, I found myself not really being able to listen to them fully. I find myself not wanting to provide comfort to people through words or through hugs as much as I usually do. I am currently unable to process what people are saying and provide useful enough, at least to me, advice for them to carry with them. And I'm sorry if I haven't talked to you. And I'm sorry if I haven't seemed present lately, but, as you have read, there's a lot of things going on in my head right now and I need time to process and really, properly choose what I need to do so that I can be at peace. Some of this might just be because I am evolving and changing as a person, but currently, I'm attributing these feelings as a lack of inner peace.
I'm not okay and that's okay.
My relationship with God is not as strong as I would like it to be. I'm not shaping my life experiences around God and that's honestly what I sort of need right now. I need to just get through this last year with my sanity intact and just know that there's going to be time soon that I'm with my church family, that I'm with the community that grounds me in faith, that I'm studying the Bible more vigorously. It's not as if my daily thoughts don't include my faith, quite the contrary, I'm still attempting to introduce Love into every aspect of my life and truly believe that Everything is Love and that God is Love. I'm still attempting to love unconditionally. I feel as if, through the past few years, I've received a lot of conditional love, and that has led to this distance that I feel from God. My journey, however, is FAR FAR from over, so I am not stuck in worry.
I'm not okay and that's okay.
I think that these feelings are important and that they have meaning. Me writing them down in this blog post has been so freeing in itself already. The tears that I shed alone in my bed have provided me with peace and comfort. My CAPS appointments have allowed space for me to think and process. The discussions that I've had with the few friends I want to talk about this with have led to some peace and have been freeing.
I knew I had a lot to say in this post and I'm not sorry that it is this long. I'm not sorry if you are my friend and I haven't shared this all with you. I'm not sorry and I need to be not sorry because I'm not okay and that's okay.
But please don't worry, because I have Hope (see I told you I would connect this back to Lemonade.) I have Hope for myself because I know that I am not worthless, I know that I am more than all of this pain, and I know that I am going to rise above all of it. This Hope in and of itself is what I need for my personal Freedom.
Before I end, I just want to ask that the feedback I get from this post are NOT trying to make me feel better at myself, are NOT trying to help "reassure that you'll be okay," I want NO apologies from ANYONE about any actions that they feel they've contributed to any of these feelings. I'm not okay and that's okay and I need to feel this way and live through this myself and for myself.
I'm going to end this post with the most important quote in the song, the quote that helps me know that there will be Freedom from this body that I hate, Freedom from the thoughts that make me hate my body in the first place, Freedom from the thoughts that make me not okay, that plague me, that lead me to a very dark, not okay place.
"Freedom! Freedom! I can't move! Freedom, cut me loose! Freedom! Freedom! Where are you? Cause I need freedom too! I break chains all by myself, won't let me freedom rot in hell! Hey! I'ma keep running cause a winner don't quit on themselves!"
I'm a winner. I believe that I am meant to do great things. Through God I strive to move mountains and help people. I will not quit on myself and I will always strive for peace through growth, development, and love.
"I had my ups and downs, but I always find the inner strength to pull myself up. I was served lemons, but I made Lemonade."
Thank you for Reading.
After this "Freedom" that I was feeling, I started to also distance myself from contacting people at home. Purposefully at first, because I wanted to be present at UVM for my last two years. I spent a majority of my undergraduate years Skyping and staying at home not doing much because I felt like I needed to always be "on" for people who were not always "on" for me.
I stopped Skyping people. I stopped initiating texting. I stopped caring about keeping in touch with people as much because I felt, if they were my friend, they would understand the feelings that I was feeling, they would know that this was good for me, and they would catch up with me when I got home. In a song called "FRIENDS" on the EVERYTHING IS LOVE album by The Carters, Jay Z talks about wanting to die and letting himself burn with his house before doing anything that isn't supportive of his and his wife's marriage and ends the line with: "If y'all don't understand that,we ain't meant to be friends."
I lost another friend from that friend group because I was taking care of myself and not them for once. Eventually, I got busier in school and can say that I'm genuinely happy that I did what I did. And the friends that stuck with me through it are definitely people I want in my life.
So that's the past- but let's bring this up to the present.
Lately, I've been feeling not okay. I felt this way sort of before Nikisha died, but obviously, my priorities and my feelings were occupied with grief and sadness over the loss of such a great person. Now that I've felt not okay for a whole month and have grieved and have been able to settle back into a routine, I've started to really analyze the ways in which I'm not okay. I want to make it clear that I'm not saying this so that I can have a pity party, I'm not saying this to evoke anything out of people; I'm saying this because this is my blog and is meant to be a space for me to express myself in whichever way I choose.
I'm not okay and that's okay.
Some of this has to do with my body image. I've been overweight most of my life and I feel trapped within a body that I hate sometimes. I love food and I love working out, but I need to mentally change my habits in order to support a better and healthier lifestyle for myself. In order to feel comfortable and free within my own skin, I know what I have to do and it's just hard.
I'm not okay and that's okay.
Some of this has to do with my family. I just feel as if they are doing a lot of things that a family shouldn't be doing. I'm not going to go into much detail about this for the sake of the privacy of my family, but they honestly lowkey got me fucked up.
I have been deeply taught that in order to be worthy, to really gain true appreciation from my family, I had to use my intelligence to be a doctor. Part of this definitely has to do with our race and what they think is "better" for me, but emotionally and mentally, I never wanted to be a doctor and I never should have gone into Neuroscience as a major. Financially, I never should have gone to UVM, I should've taken a Gap Year to work, I should've worked 40 hours a week every summer, I should have been pushed as well as intrinsically motivated, to critically think about things like: Since I didn't do well my first two years of college shouldn't I change my major? Maybe college isn't best for me right now? Maybe this isn't where I should be going? Ultimately, I'm happy with where I am. There are experiences that I've had that I wouldn't trade the WORLD for, but I can't help, but wonder what would've happened if I had realized my true passions earlier or was encouraged to do so by someone who wasn't a rich white woman in the Honors College at the University of Vermont.
My passions are in Psychology, in religion, in learning more about human conditions. As I've stated, I want to get a dual degree in Divinity and Social Worker in order to be a minister and Licensed Clinical Social Worker so that I can help people, through family counseling and therapy, make their home feel like home- and to grow together and communicate together in order for it to keep being home. I know so many people who are messed up because they have never had a home or they don't feel like their home is home anymore, and that breaks my heart. I want to be able to prevent this.
My home hasn't felt completely like home for a while and that's because of the deteriorating health of my grandparents, deep resentment within my family dynamics, and much much more. No one is attempting to make it remain a home. My mom is what home is for me, even if I don't help her realize that sometimes. My cousins are home for me and I really try to make them feel loved and appreciated and thought about. My friends are home for me.
I'm not okay and that's okay.
Speaking of my friends, I haven't talked to my friends much about what has troubled me lately and that's just because I'm always plagued with the thoughts of "Oh, my friend is bringing this problem to me and they are emotionally distressed. It seems as if they need me more than I need them." And I feel this way about a lot of my relationships. And that's okay- I really do want to be a rock for people. I want to help them feel loved and appreciated and heard and thought of and listened to. Some of the reasons behind why I haven't shared can be attributed to not being provided the space to share, but most of it has to do with a part of my personality that has been developing for a while.
As much as I am extroverted, and loud, and talkative, I'm really a private person. I have a lot of thoughts that I just don't share. My cuddle buddy is an aspect of my life that I'm not particularly open to sharing my thoughts about. My family is not something I like to share a lot about. My inner thoughts, including my realization of past traumas and inner turmoil are things that I don't want to talk about. Partly because I need to take time to reflect and critically think, but most of it is just because I don't want to. The reasons I'm bringing this up, however, is because, in listening to my friend's problems, which I don't wish to invalidate, I found myself not really being able to listen to them fully. I find myself not wanting to provide comfort to people through words or through hugs as much as I usually do. I am currently unable to process what people are saying and provide useful enough, at least to me, advice for them to carry with them. And I'm sorry if I haven't talked to you. And I'm sorry if I haven't seemed present lately, but, as you have read, there's a lot of things going on in my head right now and I need time to process and really, properly choose what I need to do so that I can be at peace. Some of this might just be because I am evolving and changing as a person, but currently, I'm attributing these feelings as a lack of inner peace.
I'm not okay and that's okay.
My relationship with God is not as strong as I would like it to be. I'm not shaping my life experiences around God and that's honestly what I sort of need right now. I need to just get through this last year with my sanity intact and just know that there's going to be time soon that I'm with my church family, that I'm with the community that grounds me in faith, that I'm studying the Bible more vigorously. It's not as if my daily thoughts don't include my faith, quite the contrary, I'm still attempting to introduce Love into every aspect of my life and truly believe that Everything is Love and that God is Love. I'm still attempting to love unconditionally. I feel as if, through the past few years, I've received a lot of conditional love, and that has led to this distance that I feel from God. My journey, however, is FAR FAR from over, so I am not stuck in worry.
I'm not okay and that's okay.
I think that these feelings are important and that they have meaning. Me writing them down in this blog post has been so freeing in itself already. The tears that I shed alone in my bed have provided me with peace and comfort. My CAPS appointments have allowed space for me to think and process. The discussions that I've had with the few friends I want to talk about this with have led to some peace and have been freeing.
I knew I had a lot to say in this post and I'm not sorry that it is this long. I'm not sorry if you are my friend and I haven't shared this all with you. I'm not sorry and I need to be not sorry because I'm not okay and that's okay.
But please don't worry, because I have Hope (see I told you I would connect this back to Lemonade.) I have Hope for myself because I know that I am not worthless, I know that I am more than all of this pain, and I know that I am going to rise above all of it. This Hope in and of itself is what I need for my personal Freedom.
Before I end, I just want to ask that the feedback I get from this post are NOT trying to make me feel better at myself, are NOT trying to help "reassure that you'll be okay," I want NO apologies from ANYONE about any actions that they feel they've contributed to any of these feelings. I'm not okay and that's okay and I need to feel this way and live through this myself and for myself.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU.
THIS IS ABOUT ME.
I'm not okay and that's okay.
But don't try to help me, don't try to fix me. If I want help I will ask, I will talk to you about this if I want to. Let me do this for myself. Thank you.
I'm going to end this post with the most important quote in the song, the quote that helps me know that there will be Freedom from this body that I hate, Freedom from the thoughts that make me hate my body in the first place, Freedom from the thoughts that make me not okay, that plague me, that lead me to a very dark, not okay place.
"Freedom! Freedom! I can't move! Freedom, cut me loose! Freedom! Freedom! Where are you? Cause I need freedom too! I break chains all by myself, won't let me freedom rot in hell! Hey! I'ma keep running cause a winner don't quit on themselves!"
I'm a winner. I believe that I am meant to do great things. Through God I strive to move mountains and help people. I will not quit on myself and I will always strive for peace through growth, development, and love.
"I had my ups and downs, but I always find the inner strength to pull myself up. I was served lemons, but I made Lemonade."
Thank you for Reading.
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