Formation
Hello and welcome to my last blog post of 2018! I know all of you are reading this in 2019, but I promise it was written during the closing hours of the old year. (Okay, and maybe a little bit after the new year, but whatever don't judge me, okay?)It's been a long time coming (I mean, a year) but here we are! We have arrived to Formation, the last chapter and last song for LEMONADE.
First! A Life Update! (But rather abridged because idk that's what I feel like right now let me live my best life okay!)
- Ya boi finished out the semester strongish- it wasn't like Junior Year, no sirree, but rest assured it was all A's and B's and I'm all good with that
- I've been listening to hella Christmas music (primarily the collection of Pentatonix's Christmas Albums: PtxMas, That's Christmas to Me Deluxe, A Pentatonix Christmas Deluxe, and this #HolidaySzn's Christmas is Here!)
- I've been home since the 15th and honestly it's been such a blessing to catch up with friends and family
- I've seen my cousins PLENTY of times this past week and it's filled me with a lot of Xmas Joy to be around them even when they get on my nerves :) (Like when Genesis and Valentino don't appreciate Beyoncè)
- Catching up with friends from home has been refreshing and for once super Drama Free! Which is what happens when you cut toxic people out of your life I suppose!
- My family is nutso (no surprise- that's never going to change) so it's been a little bit of a challenge to connect with my family members the way that I would want to, but y'know we got the whole rest of people's lives to do that so we'll see about that :) Let's just pray for some more emotional vulnerability within my family members- hopefully they will continue to grow along with me
And the rest of how I'm feeling about my current state will be revealed in this blog post!
First of all, I just want to say that the Christmas season is usually really hard for me. Not everyone that I know knows this, and not everyone that I know fully grasps why, but I want to articulate it the best I can.
Christmas Day 2010 was the last day that I saw my father. I'm going to talk more about my relationship with him in a future blog post, but around this time we were hanging out a lot more and I think it was the most present he was in my life after him and my mom broke up. On that day, being the 13 year old that I was, I was pretty invested in this new laptop that I got and was also watching National Treasure. In retrospect- hindsight 20/20- I treated my last day with my father as trite and I was unwelcoming. When he left, I felt an urge to say "I love you," but because of the toxic masculinity that runs deep within black men and their relationships with one another, I didn't and just said "see you later." This statement resonates with me to this day and I try my best to leave people on an "I love you," but for other reasons it's difficult for me to express this with my friends sometimes.
My father passed away on December 29th, 2010. I was supposed to hangout with him the day before, but decided to sleep over a friend's house instead and see him on the 30th- I had it written on my calendar: "Hangout with Dad." I vividly remember seeing that written on my calendar and feeling the worst I have ever felt in my life.
Needless to say, I'm usually deep in my feels during the holiday season. His birthday is on the 19th, the last day I saw him was Christmas, and he died on the 29th.
In the past 8 years, I've definitely done some processing with these emotions. Like, really evaluating why I was the way I was entering high school, and what I want my legacy to be like to not only make him proud up in heaven, but also make the family I do have here on Earth proud as well.
I'm hoping one day I'll get the chance to actually process as much as I can about how his death has affected me. In order for that to happen though, I need to come to terms with the trauma associated with his side of the family expecting my efforts in keeping connections (when I was a child at 13 years old). I need to come to terms with the trauma associated with my parents never having a perfect relationship. I need to learn more about my father through my relatives. I need to come to terms with the fact that my father avoided going to the hospital, knowing he wasn't feeling right, and that that fear (because his parents both died in hospitals) was more powerful than the want to stay alive. There's a lot for me to unpack and a lot that comes up for me during the holiday season because I haven't unpacked all of the feelings I have.
Why wasn't I more welcoming and actively engaging with my father on Christmas? Christmas is supposed to be the celebration of the Birth of Jesus Christ. It is a celebration of light prevailing over darkness. Why was a movie catching more interest than the person who granted me life? Why was a laptop?
These questions are why I am so very uncomfortable with the idea of exchanging gifts during Christmastime. Why stress that much over something that is so unimportant? I believe Christmas is a time for celebrating life and light, a time for joy and cheer, a time for spending quality time with your family, a time to bicker around the dinner table, but know that you love each other in the end- a time for reflection and rejuvenation.
I've tried to spend time alone and time with family this holiday season to do just that- reflect with and refresh myself. I'm glad for this opportunity, but at the same time being alone too often still frightens me- it's still something that I have to get used to. I'm hoping 2019 will be able to provide that opportunity.
Which brings me to the point of this specific blog post.
Formation means the action of forming or process of being formed, or a structure or arrangement of something.
In Beyoncè's case, I would think it would be a combination of the two. Not only did she and Jay-Z get remarried after he "fucked up the first stone" ("LoveHappy", Everything is Love), forming a stronger bond of love, but she also calls black women into formation to stand up for what's right and to keep fighting for equality.
For me, I'm going to combine the meanings as well. Not only am I feeling re-formed through reflective processes- y'know coming more and more into myself and who I want to be, but I'm calling my friends to arrange themselves to the same process of growth and self-reflection that I want to go through myself. I challenge those who are reading this to really evaluate what's been going on in their lives, and what they want to call forward for 2019.
First, before I discuss what I'm calling forward for my 2019, I would like to explore and reflect on this past year in terms of this blog and then talk about what's in store for the blog in 2019.
Hold Up was second. This one was focused on Denial. It talked about where Beyoncè's loyalties lie within her relationship and deals with rage and resentment as well as trying to change, closing her mouth more and trying to be softer, prettier, and less awake in order to convince herself and her husband that their marriage was fine. I talked about being angry, disappointed, upset, and exhausted during the strikes and protests going on on UVM's campus. I talked about how difficult it was to be going through shit at school when there was so much negativity within my friendships. I talked about how I wanted to be more appreciative and grateful during 2018, which was difficult when I needed to unpack so many things. I talked about making 2018 a year filled with more self-care and self-love, which has happened, although accompanied with some self-loathing and self-hatred. What's one aspect of self-exploration without the other?
Don't Hurt Yourself was the third post and was focused on Anger. At this time, I was hanging out with my family at home and didn't feel very angry and was not passionate about writing the post. I've talked about how I have tried to avoid anger in my life just because it's not effective when trying to communicate with those who have hurt you. I touched upon some of the anger that has taken residence in my family.
Sorry was written at the end of April and it's topic was Apathy. I talked about going through many friend breakups in my life. I talked about how I've wished to have had a love without betrayal. I spoke of a pressure to become more apathetic to the happenings in my life because I thought I was a problem. Maybe my passion and effort was getting in the way of these friendships? "Maybe I shouldn't care. No one is as enthusiastic about this as I am. Is it abnormal for me to care so much about this?" These were questions that I asked myself and explored. I talked about how difficult it is for me to be apathetic. I stated "I shouldn't be called extra when others are simply just not enough." I quoted another Beyoncè song and said that "no one is going to 'take me off'. I'm sick of feeling like I need to be apathetic in order to survive."
6 Inch was the first post post-Junior Year. The theme was Emptiness. I didn't relate much to this and instead provided a life update- something that I decided to continue within each of my other posts for the year. Though I didn't relate much to the song or the theme, I continued to allow myself to reflect and think of all the things that fill me up in my life. The numbness that I feel when I am depressed is not emptiness, but, instead, apathy. I think that I can be jaded and let my enthusiasm fade, but never completely go away. Perhaps I've never felt completely broken and I'm okay with that.
Daddy Lessons with the theme Accountability was introduced at the end of June. This was the first post I made after deleting my finsta and I couldn't be more happy about that. My positive Instagram account (@thepositive_jdneal), along with its corresponding Facebook page, have filled me with so much joy and have just been fun and I'm so excited about that. The post explored how I felt accountable for a lot of my friends in the past and how I've learned to let that feeling go.
Love Drought explored Reformation and focused on coming back together in a relationship. I talked about having not really felt loved, I mentioned my issues with commitment, I asked myself why I felt so undeserving of love. I talked about exploration of my sexuality, being okay with my flaws and growing through them, and acknowledging that, not so deep down, I know that I am deserving of love.
Sandcastles was my first blog post of Senior Year of college. This chapter was focused on Forgiveness and reconciliation. I mentioned that I needed to do a "lot of soul-searching... to know exactly how I feel about forgiveness" and how, in the past, I've been too forgiving of those who've hurt me. I talked about wanting to heal myself and love myself more. I mentioned that "I think it's just so important that people remain vulnerable to not only the ones they love, but to themselves so that they can grow. I think that, in order to practice self-love to the best of our abilities, we also need to be vulnerable with and to one another."
Forward was difficult for me to write. The topic from Lemonade was Resurrection. I wrote this a few weeks after my friend and coworker, Nikisha Falcone, passed away. I wrote most of the passage around my feelings about Death, Afterlife, and Resurrection, and how I believe her soul is resting so peacefully. I hope I never forget the feelings and emotions I felt during this time.
Freedom was a further reflection of my feelings. I really let myself sit and think about how I was doing, and while that was good for me to do, I realized that I wasn't okay, but that was okay. This chapter had to do with Hope, which was extremely relevant to the feelings I was feeling. I talked about freedom from toxicity and betrayal. I talked about my albums on Facebook and how much joy and moments of reflection they bring me. I talked about bettering myself in the face of trials from friends. I talked about wanting freedom from my body. I talked about freedom from studying stuff that I hate. I talked about insecurities and securities. I discussed my relationship with God. I ended it with stating that "I'm a winner. I believe that I am meant to do great things. Through God I strive to move mountains and help people. I will not quit on myself and I will always strive for peace through growth, development, and love." It was one of my most powerful blog posts and definitely shifted the feel of my last post and any posts I want to make for the future.
All Night was my most recent chapter. I believe it serves as a closing chapter of Lemonade's main story arc: Beyoncè's relationship with her husband. The album, as a whole, culminates with black female empowerment in Formation, but All Night shows us where the Carters' relationship stands. This chapter had to do with Redemption which is the closing theme for Lemonade. I talked about breaking a curse within my family, healing, discovering an antidote to the pain that my family shares: anger, self-hatred, and complacency. I talked about wanting to help people heal, as a living. I talked about the ever insidious concept of whiteness and how it affects so many. I talked about academic excellence plaguing my concept of self-worth and love. I discussed many of my regrets in choosing UVM as home for my collegiate experiences. I really dove deep in terms of intergenerational trauma, sexuality, body image and the pain that comes with all of them. I use all of my pain as a tool to keep being formed and made. I ended by saying "I'm on the path to Redemption and I can't wait to taste the sweetness that I believe will come with true self-love and recognized self-worth." I think this served as an excellent closing chapter for the main arc of this Lemonade series: self-love, self-worth, and commitment to myself.
Formation is about taking all of the self-exploration that I did this year and making sure I really learn from it through reflecting upon it.
What's Next for this Blog?
Before I delve into what my goals are for 2019, I'm gonna talk about what's next!
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!! I'm DONE! I'm FREEEE
Just kidding. Of course I wouldn't just end this blog with 2018: A Year of Lemonade (yeah, that's what I'm going to call this whole last year of posts.)
No... I'm dedicating the next year as 2019: An Exploration of Self
I have the first 5 months chosen already and I'm a little nervous because they're much more free-willed and open-ended than an exploration of self within the context of a visual album, but I'm also excited to really see where my mind takes me when thinking of this stuff.
Here is the next 5 months of posts:
Jr.: An Exploration of my Relationship with my Father and my Genetics (1/2019)
Neal,: An Exploration of my Passions (2/2019)
Davis: An Exploration of my Relationship with my Heavenly Father (3/2019)
Jamal: An Exploration of my Relationship with Myself (4/2019)
Name TBA: An Exploration of being a College Graduate (5/2019)
hOpEfULlY i'LL thinK oF WhaT tO Do AFter thAT SOON??!! :)
2019
2019 is the year I graduate college. It's the year that I turn 22 in. It's the year that I move back home to work. It's the year that I find and work at a professional job. It's the year that I develop a budget so I can pay back my loans. These are more of the materials things that are gonna happen in my life.
But what am I calling forward in 2019? What are my New Year's Resolutions?
Losing Weight is always at the top of my list every year, just because my relationship with my body and food have never been positive and I wake up everyday physically reminded of my shortcomings, failures, and regrets. I'm hoping to actually set goals for myself this year and along with working out more often and more efficiently, as well as keeping track of what I'm consuming through the calorie counting that I starting doing mid-November, I'm positive that I can really positively affect a journey that I've struggled with for many, many years.
Reflecting and Refreshing: I want to really draw close the things that bring me joy. There are many aspects of my goals that have to do with this, but a major one is unpacking emotional trauma. I'm hoping to see a CAPS counselor this whole next semester at school, and I'm hoping my journey with therapy doesn't end there. This is also inclusive of Exploring my Black Identity more, as well as Exploring my Spirituality/Religion in focused study, and not just for scholarly pursuits, but personal ones as well. I'm also hoping this can also be filled with more Exploration of my Sexual Identity as well. I'm hoping the things that will help me reflect and refresh more often will include reading more, this blog, and my conversations with friends.
Reading More is a separate category on this list. I'm always saying to myself "ugh I should read more things that aren't just my textbooks" and I really just need to make it a priority. Some of the things I hope to really read and study and think about are the Bible, The Book of Life by The School of Life, Prayer Books, and then other reads for fun, including books recommended by my minister to help me decide if ministry is right for me, books to help me develop more as a person, books recommended by friends, and novels.
Last, but not Least in the Slightest, I want to Be More Honest and Open with Myself and Others. This includes being more forthcoming with my feelings, having more difficult conversations in person, being more confrontational, but not aggressively so, really attempting to explain how I feel about something and why, saying "I love you" more often to the people that I love, being more comfortable with being alone, and practicing gentleness and forgiveness with myself and during my interactions with others.
2019 holds so much promise. I hope to leave behind feelings of denial, anger, apathy, and emptiness in 2018. I hope to continue to rely on my intuition.
2019 is a year for me to continue working toward accountability, reformation, forgiveness, resurrection, hope, and redemption.
2019 is the start of being a semi-real Adult in a world that is not Ready for Jamal Davis Neal, Jr.
I'm ready to get into Formation with all of the aspects of my Self. I'm ready to rid myself of a lot of cognitive dissonances by immersing myself in as much Truth as I can. I'm ready to Explore.
______________________________________
"The audience applauds... but we can't hear them."
Go to 4:53 to see my favorite performance of "Formation"
Thank you for following the journey of 2018: A Year of Lemonade. 😉 I hope through learning more about myself and expressing that, I've helped ANYONE learn more about themselves.
Thank you for following my journey to Exist with Meaning: My Search for a Purpose. I'm so glad with how well I was able to keep up with this blog through 2018 and I'm so excited for what's coming next in 2019.
Thank you for Reading.
Much Love,
Jamal Davis Neal, Jr.
❤
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