Neal,

Hello!
Welcome to your monthly-scheduled blog post from none other than yours truly!

February has not been particularly kind for me and my mental health, but it's okay because it's almost over! (And there's a new Jonas Brothers song to look out for at the end of it!)

Me, wearing makeup because I'm a Boss Ass Bitch & I look Gr8

Anyway, as is the theme for all of my blogposts, a recap of events that have happened in my life:

• At the beginning of the month, the Production team for UPB, Alexa, and I got together to create a Production-Themed Pub Quiz! It was a lot of fun working with them to do this and I think they had a lot of fun coming up with questions. Pub Quiz? Pub Quiz. It didn't seem like the audience enjoyed their questions, but y'know I'm getting mighty fed-up of Pub Quiz hecklers 
• That week was continued with a Dinner & Dialogue on the 7th, with the overall theme for the year being Joy- "the happiness that does not depend on what happens," and the nightly theme being Gratitude. It was nice to talk to other people on their thoughts and opinions concerning gratitude and how to express it... something that I've been trying to work on more and more as I try and become a more and more consistently grateful person. 
• The week was ended with the Interfaith Retreat, the second of several retreats I took/am taking this semester. This retreat provided me a lot of opportunity to reflect on my intentionality with my religious practices, to meet new people interested in the pursuit of meaning making, and to spend time in a zen place away from campus: The Vermont Zen Center. 
• Coming back from that, Exec and Advisors for UPB reviewed so many applications of potential beans for the 2019-2020 year. There were so many promising candidates!
• On Valentine's Day, I enjoyed a nice talk with a professor at UVM dedicated on revamping the D1 (Race & Racism in the United States) and D2 (The Diversity of Human Experience) courses here at UVM. I'm excited to continue my work as a diversity fellow under his guidance. 
• I also did mine and my mom's taxes on V-Day <3 
• That weekend I went on Racial Aikido, the third retreat of this semester. This was an opportunity to spend a whole weekend in affinity of UVM Community Members of Color and to learn how to survive and thrive at a Predominately White Institution (read: UVM is mad white). I'm so glad to have been able to spend time in community with old and new friends and I'm excited to continue my work of blocking, deflecting, and disarming racism and white supremacy on UVM's campus and beyond. 
• The next week I noticed that I was in descending into an awful mood of self-doubt and self-hatred... I will discuss this a little bit more later on in the post. 
• I ended that week with ANOTHER viewing of Beyoncè's LEMONADE as an event for the residents of WDW (Here's the beautiful poster I made for the event). Everytime I watch Lemonade, I learn something more about myself and my black identity, I appreciate it even more, and I come back with a sense of renewal and energy. I cried a lot this time around- more than I usually do- and I am very thankful that I get to enjoy this piece of black art as many times as I want, because it was a piece that was made FOR black people to see themselves in; their pain, validated; their wounds, salted and sewn; their tears, necessary. I wish people would watch it and understand. I wish people would stop calling Beyoncè overrated. This time around, I had the added benefit of knowing what the sequel to this was: EVERYTHING IS LOVE. I'll talk more about this later on in this post. 
• Last Saturday I had Focus Group Training with my fellow Diversity Fellows and it was a nice time to spend with each other and getting to know what we each want out of the role a little more. It was very valuable and I'm happy I got to do it. 
• Saturday Night was the Black Student Union's Annual Fashion Show. The theme of this year's show was Paint it Black! I had a lot of fun with Joyce, RiRi, Matt, Deanna, & Anna, and I'm so glad to have been surrounded by such beauty- from both the people I was surrounding myself with, and the people showing off the fashion made by artists of color. You can see photos posted on Facebook in a few days of how me and my friends looked ;) 
• The musical guest was 99 Neighbors, and I want to explore their music at some point soon. 
• On Sunday we had Interview Day for the 2019-2020 UVM Program Board and Summer 2019 WOW Squad Teams. We met a lot of really cool people and I'm so excited for them to be apart of the team next year!
• On Tuesday, we had Rally 4.0,  a celebration of the protests on campus last year and the takeover of Waterman Oakland that occurred as a result of poor action being done about racial injustices on campus. The Administration at UVM didn't want NoNames4Justice, or any of the other people involved in Rally 4.0, to used amplified sound. In a testament of civil disobedience, we did, and now have to face the possible consequences of Student Conduct Hearings. We'll see how that goes. 
• This month has been my best gym-going month in a very long time. I went 12 times in the month of February and I'm very happy and proud that I did that for myself and I'm excited to pursue going even more often in March
• This month I also started wearing makeup. It made me feel nice to wear and I'm just generally questioning the whole social structure of gendering folx! We'll see where that part of my journey leads me!

ANYWAY ONTO SOME CONTENT

The theme of this blog post is centered around my last name, Neal. When I looked up the origins of this name, I found that it meant "champion" and "passion." When I thought about that, I thought about talking about the things that I love in this world- the things that I am passionate about. I'm not sure if that's where this post is going to go...as I'm not in the most productive brain space, but we'll see where it ends up!

First, a small bit of history surrounding this part of my name. Neal is a name that originates from England, Scotland, and Ireland. It was a name forced upon my ancestors by the people they were owned by. Neal is a white name, given to my great-great-great..., but not that many greats, grand-relative, to signify that he belonged to someone else. When looking at my 23andMe relatives, I don't have to go too far away from my family tree, perhaps even third, or fourth-cousin distance, before I find someone who is 100% European. The last name Neal marks pain and brokenness, but it's still a name that I proudly boast as a last name. I am representative of championship beyond the effects of slavery; the passionate work I do will show more than what my last name may represent. It's the name I share with my brother and my cousins I don't talk to.

It's the name that has always separated me from the rest of my household: the Williams. It separates me from my mother and my grandparents and my uncles and my cousins. It's okay, because I will make something of the name, and I love my name. I just want to acknowledge that Neal represents so much. There is power to it. There is power that I have and will cultivate from it.

I am passionate about a great many things. Some see it as a weakness of mine; the many things that I care about. I'm passionate about life, about living it to its fullest, and about making meaning out of it. This leads me to care so much about many things. I enjoy being intentional and placing value into the things, people, places, etc. that I surround myself with. One of the things I'm passionate about is being passionate in general.

I also am passionate about consistent growth, self-awareness, and emotional vulnerability. One of the MANY things I have been working on lately is being comfortable with sharing the whole of my opinions, regardless of the feelings of others. Some have seen this as cold and selfish, to cast aside a filter for honesty, but I actually regard it as entirely self-less and extremely loving and passionate. I think that providing people with emotional content is important- I shouldn't have to hide my opinions for people's happiness-sake. I should be able to share all the parts of me to my friends without fear of being talked about, or judged, or seen as cold because I'm being "too honest", or too dramatic because I'm being "too much."

I want to be more passionate about myself.
I want to advocate for the things I need from my friends and family. And that can only start if I start communicating now. As they say, no one can understand unless you communicate.

As I've talked about in previous blogs, and, if you know me in person, you would know I had a lot of friend drama in my second year of college. This, and friend breakups before this time, have left me in a state of needing to take care of myself. There are some insecurities associated with this, but they don't usually flair up unless I'm in a bad mental health state.

Like now... at a time when I'm feeling generally unsupported by friends. And most of this has to do with my lack of self-advocacy; of wanting friends to guess how I'm feeling because isn't it obvious that I'm showing up differently in this space? Can't you notice what's going on/wrong? Some of this has to do with feeling a sense of neglect. I have conversations I want and need to have with friends. I'm going to advocate for myself and have my friends understand me.

I want to be more passionate about myself.

This self-doubt and self-hatred starts to accumulate and gather energy. I start to think to myself: "Am I truly undeserving of lasting relationships?" And it gathers into a shame of not having a relationship. Of being so inexperienced in relationships. Of feeling like I'm not adequate enough to be loved. Of feeling like my body isn't capable of holding that love. Of feeling like my mind isn't capable of holding that love. Am I so repulsive to have led to these feelings?
I should just starve the fat away.
I should just rush into something with no emotions attached.
I need to cry less.
I need to leave my emotions at the door.
Am I not emotive enough about this?
Why don't people care about the things I care about?
Am I worth caring about?

I want to be more passionate about myself because I am passionate about love.
And I believe that Everything is Love.
God is Love, Light, and Truth and I believe it's my purpose to champion that love, light, and truth.
Cultivate it to be my own.
Shape my life how I want to shape it. 

When I get into these moods I wish I was more passionate about seeking out literature from people who identify the way I do.

There's so much more learning I need to do.
So many more passions to explore.

This self-doubt and self-hatred isn't worth it.

Self-love and self-care is the answer.

I'm going to learn to be more passionate about myself, because I know I'm capable.
But I need to surround myself and place more value into the people who are already passionate about me.
I need to communicate my love languages, needs, and wants to feel their passion a little more when I'm stuck in a mood like this.

It just takes a little work... work that I'm not sure how to start, but I'm sure I'll get to a better place one day.

This wasn't what I originally had in mind for this post, but I'm okay with how it turned out. I'm a mess and that's okay. We're gonna work through it!

I'm going to be starting a collection of literature on my Facebook page for my followers their to check it out! I'll release it some time during Spring Break. (Which starts a week from today)

But anyway...
I want to encourage others to be gentler with themselves.
Explore yourself with gentle hands, gentle thoughts, and gentle judgments.
Give yourself the grace you wish you were given as a child.
Give yourself the grace you wish you were given now.

Live your best life.
Much Love

Thank you for reading.