Davis

Hello and Welcome back to your regularly scheduled blog post by none other than Jamal Davis Neal, Jr. :) (If you missed my last post, my brain is a clementine, feel free to read it to see what was going on in my brain on March 6th!)

My friends Mikasi, Joyce, Liz, RiRi, and I at the Ben & Jerry's Factory

Also- sorry that this post is a week and change late. You know what they say! Depression doesn't work on your time, just whenever it wants to rear itself :)

My mental and emotional capacity has been lacking lately and I'm just generally not as enthused or emotionally invested in much right now at all. I'm exhausted and not sure what will aid in a healing process that I need. We shalllll see!

Also just a warning that this post is longer than usual. I'm covering a whole history of my religious journey and it takes more energy, time, and material than I've previously presented in blog posts before.

Anyways, per usual- an update on this past month of my life!

• March hadn't been particularly kind on my mental health for multiple reasons. It was super long and I'm so thankful for the times I was in community and the times in which I wasn't my best self so I could appreciate when I am, more. 
• I was super insecure about some friendships from home because I feel super neglected by some of them. 
• I also haven't gone to the gym as much as I want, mostly because I'm not getting enough sleep, which is totally my fault and not even my homework which I'm totally ahead on 
• Speaking of- whenever I get really stressed out, my Type A Too Much genes start going into hyperdrive and so I never feel satisfied or fulfilled by the activities/work that I'm doing because there's both not enough to keep me occupied and I get super anxious about wasting time, even if there isn't necessarily I need to be done. But! Oddly enough I haven't been super motivated to apply to jobs, which hasn't been great, but hopefully I can get better at that soon!
• Idk espressi depressi has really been plaguing my life and I'm just really insecure about a lot of things right now, but it's okay because I will be okay!
• I was also pretty unmotivated to write this post but here we are! Chugging through 
• We had UProductionBrunch at the beginning of the month which was so very nice :) we just enjoyed good potlucky food and each other's company at Alexa's house while watching the cringy videos from our middle/high school pasts
• Also- is the moon landing real? 
• Town Hall Meeting Day was March 5th and a couple RA's and I held a Mock Town Hall for the WDW community to "air their grievances."
• Lent started and I thought I was going to give up something... personal, but I decided that it wasn't necessarily healthy for me even though I do want to do it less. I have, however, been keeping up with a daily devotional that highlights Jesus' last days of life.
• After that I had Dinner & Dialogue at the Interfaith Center- I got to facilitate a discussion around Compassion and Joy- "the happiness that doesn't depend on what happens." It was a nice break from my daily intrusive thoughts and I was glad to have that session right before break, as it aided my transition into changing my mindset about how I felt about some friends from home 
• I got sick! Right before break! It wasn't great and that's kinda what I get for not taking proper care of myself!
• During break I got to spend a lot of time at home in my house- by myself, my my family, and then some time with friends. The friends that I got to see for break- that took the time to see me and spend time with me- made me feel good. They made me realize that I was spending negative energy on people who haven't given me energy in the past. I was thankful to spend my break the way I did, and I am tearful looking back on how many days I got to see my little cousins who I love oh so dearly 
• I didn't spend as much time searching for jobs as I probably should have and hey! That's okay. What happened, happened and I spent my time the way I needed.
• Shortly after that I found out that I allegedly violated a Demonstration Policy and was going to face consequences for that... a hearing that I had last week! (And will cover more in my next post)
• Then my best friend Liz came up for a weekend. Joyce was so willing to house her and I am so very thankful for her and that that worked out perfectly. Liz got to meet some great friends of mine here at UVM! We went out the night she got her-Thursday. Friday she came to my class and LAID down some KNOWLEDGE in Islam & Race, then we hung out for a bit doing some work in the UPB office and then later with Joyce, and then we had a great dinner at Asiana.On Saturday we had a delicious brunch at the Friendly Toast and then made our way to the Ben & Jerry's Factory were we said our goodbyes. It was a great weekend and I am so appreciative and grateful that she was willing and able to come all this way to visit me and hangout with my friends. It made March all worth it.  
• The weekend after that I attended a Building a Better Activist session in which I engaged with some self-healing thoughts and practices which I'm excited to go over again and again and pursue some of the literature that was suggested or referenced when I let myself have more free time!
• And then UPBrunch was very nice! Again some delicious food with some gr8 beans! Then I saw my friend, resident, and fellow UPBean, Ben Bieri's play Almost, Maine. It was funny, dramatic, and romantic and I am so proud of him for making his Directorial Debut :) 
• I also came up with some Social Activism & Self Care Resources which you can find on my The Positive Jamal Facebook Page. (Or clicking the link above!)

Like I said, March was a long month and so this was a particularly long recap of the long month that was March. (Why is it that the months with 31 days feel so long?) But! I promise! Your wait is over! Time to find out what "Davis" is all about!

The name "Davis" is a patronymic surname, meaning that it's the name you give someone who's father's surname is Davis; similarly to how Leif Erikson is the son of Erik the Red. David, in Hebrew means "Beloved." The origin of the name is due to the biblical king David of Israel.

In knowing this information, I want to discuss, in this blogpost, the history of my Journey with Christ and how I feel beloved in my relationship with God.

For those that know me, or have read these blog posts, you would know that I am an American Baptist. I've experienced a lot of growth with my faith journey due to my relationship with my home church, Union Baptist Church. My grandparents started bringing me there shortly after I was born- my preschool teacher used to attend, I met some of my early best friends and some current best friends. I have a lot of memories of my church experiences that I want to share with y'all- the good and the bad parts.

I owe my musical and theatrical talents to the church; I started singing in the choir when I was around 4 or 5 years old. When I was 6, I portrayed Moses in Moses and the Freedom Fanatics. I learned how to play bells at my church. I participated in 7 plays and musicals, 7 Mystic Area Ecumencial Choir Festivals, I was a member of the Youth Choir, the Chancel Choir, the Praise Bell Choir, and then Concert Bell Choir. I went to two regional bell festivals. I fell in love with music at that church and continued on to attend 7 Eastern Regions Choir Festivals, 2 All State Choir Festivals, Concert and Symphonic Band, Marching Band, and Chamber Choir. Music was truly my life before college and I felt God through it.

Around fourth or fifth grade, I started attending Camp at Camp Wightman. I had amazing experiences with great friends, felt God through the songs we sang there, and attempted to start my leadership journey through Christ in that community. It's unfortunate that it didn't end up working out, as my values were out of line with the camp's values, and the bureaucracy associated with the camp made it apparent that people were, while valued the future of the camp, didn't necessarily value the people who were attending in the way that I think is important.

In sixth grade, I attended our New Orleans Mission Trip. Although I was baptized at the age of 7 because I felt like it, I'm not sure if I was ready to really bring something impactful from that trip. I don't regret going, but I'm just glad I've changed since then and can acknowledge that change.

Shortly after that I gave my first "sermon" at church- during youth group- one that had to do with my feelings associated with bullying and how I created a fictitious land in order to make myself feel better.

When my dad passed away in eighth grade, the people who were there for me the most were the people from my church. At the time I was in a play, and while everyone expected me to take a break, I kept attending rehearsal. Looking back, I'm wondering if I should have asked or should have received more professional help to process my emotions. I'm wondering if I should have allowed myself more time to really sit with what I was feeling. I'm not sure I was ready to feel quite yet, though- not in the way that I know how to feel now.

I gave my second sermon the summer after he passed- in fact, the Father's Day after he passed. I preached a testimony about my dad and how I struggled with his passing 6 months before.

That summer, my grandmother started the Vacation Bible School program at my church. Summer 2011 I served as the Secretary & Video Operator at UBC's PANDAmonium, then I was a Secretary for 2012's Operation Overboard, Secretary & Shepherd for 2013's Everywhere FunFair. I missed 2014's Workshop of Wonders, but then returned for UBC's last camp, right before I went off to college- UBC's G-Force where I was a Secretary and Shepherd Coordinator. I was also asked to be a Shepherd and Music Helper, with Jane, for Nonak Baptist Church's G-Force. At that point my grandmother became unable to run the program and there wasn't enough momentum for the program to keep running, and so NBC & UBC joined forces from 2016's Deep Sea Discovery and 2017's Make Fun Factory, in which Jane and I were Middle School Co-Coordinators and Co-Music Leaders. Last summer, I made my directorial debut when we brough Vacation Bible School back to UBC for Shipwrecked. This year we're hoping to run the program: To Mars and Beyond! <- Click here to register ;)

After my first year of high school, I delivered my third sermon, Nobody's Perfect (But You're Enough). In this sermon I spoke about "the imperfections of humanity and my own spiritual journey with God." Eerily enough my bestie Jane gave a sermon right before me titled You're Enough. I went through the biblical journeys of many different characters within the bible, including Moses, Gideon, Samuel, Jeremiah, Mary, Isiah, and Simon Peter- "imperfect people being enough for God." I discussed my reason for telling people that I love them: "If I were to part form a person and never see them again, I want them to leave this Earth knowing that I'm thankful for them or that I love them." I pledged promises that I didn't keep and I announced, for the first major time, that I wanted to be a minister later in life.

Youth Group was super central to my life in church. I attended as many youth group events as I could and I'm so thankful to the people who ran it at the time. When I started high school, there was a process that the youth was unaware of in which, suddenly, our Youth Minister had to leave. It's unfortunate that this process happened in the way it did because it started a catalyzing amount of instability in our church. The youth program basically fell apart and a lot of people were hurt that they weren't part of the process and that they had this structure disappear from their lives. While I was in college our senior minister decided she needed to leave the church and we went through a period of transition that culminated in the hiring of our current minister 2 years ago. I'm thankful to have Dr. Rev. Lonnie Brown in my life as he is very helpful in trying to help me figure out my life.

I'm also thankful that in high school, I was able to join the Southeast Emmaus Community due to my bff Elizabeth inviting me. I got to attend 7 weekends of Emmaus, help out behind the scenes of 1 in high school, and behind the scenes 6 times throughout college. The music that I've sang, the talks that I've heard, the talks I've given, and the people who are now in my life because of this community have given me more than I could every articulate. I am so thankful for these people and can't wait to come back to the community, hopefully soon! I want to be able to direct a weekend and to bring so much of my social justice knowledge and experience into the Emmaus Community. We'll see if and how that goes ;) I am thankful for my Emmaus experience and I've met some of my best friends through it.

Between sophomore and junior years of high school, I applied and was chosen to be a Regional Youth Representative for the Biennial American Baptist Churches USA conference in Kansas City with my then Co-Section Leader and really close friend, Heidi Butler. This was an enriching experience in which I was able to be in community with other youth who were dedicating their lives to service through Christ, I learned more about the national and international organization that is American Baptist, I attended workshops and group discussions, and I learned a lot about what I wanted my future to look like- lowkey not consciously thought because at that point I had already committed to taking Physics over AP Music Theory, thinking that I really wanted to go into the STEM field.

School and extracurricular activities took over my life in high school. I missed church because of late-night Saturday competitions. Emmaus made me want to commit to reading the whole Bible, something I still haven't done, and since I had no Youth Group, I decided that Union Baptist Church wasn't the strongest part of my foundation any longer. I dropped bell and vocal choirs at church and took up leadership positions within the Marching Band and Student Leadership groups and Emmaus was the best community for my religious exploration at this time.

Of course, I still felt a strong connection to God. I was fulfilled in ways that I needed at the time. I'm thankful for the experiences that I've had and I wouldn't train them for anything.

The month that I graduated high school, I delivered my latest sermon at Union Baptist Church. It was titled "DFPL: A Journey in Christ". Most of this sermon comprised a discussion of my religious journey through Christ thus far in my first 17 years of life and DFPL stood for Destiny, Faith, Progression, and Love. I'm going to outline how I tackled those themes below:

• Destiny: "How do you fulfill God's destiny? What in your past is stopping you from doing so?" I discussed loving to be in control of situations and how a lot of my struggles with God were in letting God "take the reigns" in my life. I talked about looking into the future a lot and always trying to have a plan. I talked about my belief that everything happens for a reason, whether seen or unseen. I talked about how my destiny was to use my hands for healing, how I thought this was through ministry in the first half of high school, and at the point was for bodies, when I wanted to become a neurosurgeon. I invoked John 16:33- "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." I stated that "he has a destiny for me, even though bad things will happen, and reminds me to have faith in him, to take heart because he has overcome the world."
• Faith: "I obviously have to have faith if I believe that everything happens for a reason, but it's obviously not the size of a mustard seed because I can't move mountains." I talked about wanting to "develop a stronger faith so that mind can radiate and strike the people I heal. I want to be a fisher of men, I want to change the world with my faith and skill and leadership." I touched upon being increasingly honest and showing my feelings, but how brute honesty turned into judgment and losing a sense of identity. I invoked Amazing Grace and how faith would bring me home. 
• Progression & Love: 1 John 4:7-8- "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is Love." I LOWKEY was tryna come out in this sermon tbh. I talked about how it's unrighteous to believe that God could create things that he hates and how I couldn't believe in such a "mavelont version of a being that created the intricacies of stars and solar systems... He's spent so much time and energy on making every being. Why would he make on that gets sent to Hell for feeling and believing and knowing their true identity, just like you or I do? Progression is necessary, not only on an individual basis, but a community basis. it's a way to keep the mind alive as well as a congregation." I argued that "Jesus was the biggest proponent of progression with his radical and unorthodox teaching." I ended with exclaiming that God & Jesus are love and to not waste "time on hating people of different races, colors, religions, opinions, political parties, orientations, genders, and the like." 

While I ended senior year with these thoughts, my actions in college were dissonant to my inner beliefs. I never found a church to go to while I've attended school at UVM. I missed God from my life, save from when I came home and went to church, did Vacation Bible School, and helped out with Emmaus weekends, but I didn't prioritize my faith. I still haven't read the whole Bible and I'm so ashamed of that- not because I believe I'm living an uninformed faith, but really because I just need to know that information in order to live a more informed faith. I could have joined identity groups on campus, but I really decided that I had enough of organizations my first two years of college and only focused on my social life, wasting time and energy on relationships at home, and my academics. 

At the end of sophomore year I declared a religion minor, because what if neuroscience wasn't a fit for me? I'd have something to fall back on!!! (HHAHAH) I pursued an academic approach to religion and I've loved every minute of it. I've gotten the chance to discuss medieval Christianity, imagery and iconography in medieval Christianity, compared Islam, Buddhism, and Native American Traditions, took a class on Religion in America, learned about philosophers and some of the mumbo-jumbo behind religion in an interpretation of religion course, and have learned about the relationship between Islam & Race. I'm thankful for the religion department for opening up and expanding my mind and am also so thankful to have been an Intern at the Interfaith Center, a place that has also provided me the opportunities to attend the best programs and have brilliant discussions. 

At the beginning of junior year I officially dropped Biochem and with it, pre-med. I was ready to pursue a future in faith. At first I thought that meant ordained ministry. I then saw someone who recommended a master's in social work for me as well. I've recognized a calling to wanting to heal people and help them find a home. Through social work that means behavioral therapy, helping people's minds heal. I don't know what that means through faith, anymore. I know I want to learn more about theology, but I need to research more about how I can align these degrees that I want to pursue with my overarching calling to be a social activist. 

At the end of junior year, I was asked to give a talk about my journey since my last Emmaus weekend. I had felt uncomfortable about this opportunity, as I seemed to never be anyone's first choice, but I took it and gave the best message I knew I could. I talked about my goals and callings for the future, serving the God that I loved. I discussed the baggage I had with failed friendships: "Throughout these two years [my first years of college], I didn't necessarily feel away from God, but it seemed like his voice was a little quieter than it was in high school. I felt sort of alone, in my academic life, my social life, and my spiritual life... it's unfortunate that I didn't, in this time, remember to love God the most. Hebrews 13:8 tells us that 'Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.' Friendships change, and I believe that I, should also be an ever-changing, every-growing person. My love was stagnant with these friends- we didn't allow realization and understanding of each other's self-growth and it ended up being extremely toxic for me and for them to continue friends with each other." I discussed my relationship with agnostic and atheist friends and how they've shown me love: "In dealing with my baggage, I've seen God in places where God is not obvious." I acknowledge my struggle with my identities at UVM, being black at a PWI, being dedicated to social justice work, and being taught that knowing is loving and that through that knowledge, I'm learning to accept my queer identity and breakdown my internalized homophobia- "whoever gets sense loves his own soul; he who keeps understanding will discover good" (Proverbs 19:8). I followed this up by saying that "I really, truly believe that in order to love God, I have to love his creation; myself, just as Psalms 139 says- 'For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.' Through my discovering of my sexuality, I've learned to love myself, and, by consequences, God more."

I ended by stating that throughout struggle, I put trust in Christ. I seek self-awareness in order to be more of a light for others. I try my best to embody Jesus. "...just as Jesus is the Light of the World, we too are called to be lights for him, just as Matthew 5 tells us 'Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.'" I urged people to keep growing and to always remember that God will always love them. It was a powerful moment for me and I was so thankful to be able to share this experience with the Emmaus community. 

In November of this past year, I was granted the opportunity to go to Harvard Divinity School's Diversity & Exploration Program. This was a weekend in which people with marginalized identities were invited to find out more about Harvard Divinity School and its programs. While I got to enjoy time with some awesome individuals who are going to invoke positive change in this world, I do have to admit that this was not the place in which I would be able to feel my calling for God if I pursued education there. Whether this holds to be true is for the future, but I'm just not sure if an academic pursuit to religion is what I'm looking for... of course this might change because I am always changing. 

Right now, I'm struggling with putting my trust in God fully. I'm scared of the future in this current moment of my life- which is not something I'm familiar with. I don't know what these next few years will entail and that really frightens me, as someone who loves to plan. What I do know is that I'm going to try my best to keep actively sensing God working in my life as I continue toward more self-growth, love, and care. 

To close, I'm going to provide you with a list of places in which I've sensed God throughout my lifetime. It is not comprehensive, by far. God for me is Love, Light, and Truth. That's what I've learned from what I've been taught, what I've experienced, and what I feel. Sometimes I don't sense God, but I try my best everyday. 

I feel God in myself. 

I sense God in the intricacies of the universe, large and small. 

I've felt, heard, and invoked God in music. 

I feel God in social activism and strivings for equity. 

I see God in my friends, whether theist or atheist. Whether Christian, other, or not. 

I feel God in my perusal of knowledge and truth.

I see, hear, and feel God in nature: the beautiful flora and fauna; the roaring Ocean; in life. 

I see God in visual arts. 

I sense God in people, but mostly in children. 

I sense God in my family. Living and Dead.

I visualize God in the marks I want to put on my physical body, inclusive of my mother's name, and a message found on a wall, written by a Jewish prisoner during the Holocaust:

I believe in the Sun, even when it's not Shining. 

I believe in Love, even when I don't Feel it. 

I believe in God, even when God is Silent. 

2014 Mystic Area Ecumenical Choir Festival (My Last One), "I Believe" Composed by Mark Miller

And of course, I sense God most in my future children: the love that will course through their veins, minds, and lives. I believe that raising children and loving them the best I know how will be the best reflection of my Godliness.

Sorry for taking so long to post this.

Sorry it is so long. 

Not sorry for speaking my truth and experience!

Thank You for Reading.