New Beginnings 2.0

Hello and Welcome Back to another Blog post de moi!
Well... okay it's a few weeks late, but hey! I'm here.

Originally I was late because life got in the way, and then I was late because I was focusing on other things, but now I just wanted to release it on my blogs 4th anniversary!
Happy 4 Years to My Search for a Purpose!

As usual, an overview of the past month (or two, since I didn't include August last time)

August

• Started out the month with finishing up my job with Groton Parks & Rec. There are times where I really miss the kids I worked with. I very much enjoyed helping out with the talent show on my last day of camp. 
• On Wednesday the 7th, I made my move to good old Bridgeport, CT. I was pretty excited to move to a city with more than 100,000 people because both Groton & Burlington have ~40k. 
• On the 8th, I went on a trip to Newark, New Jersey to attend the Great Oaks Foundation's annual event. I learned more about Great Oaks and AmeriCorps in general. 
• Throughout the rest of August I acquainted myself to the city, hung out with friends from home, got to know my coworkers a little more, found a new therapist, applied and got food stamps, and started work as a STEM Tutorial Fellow in the 9th Grade with my great coworkers Nadra Al-Hamwy, Shannon Lawlor, & Dianne Rodriguez. I love my team very much and am so glad to be apart of the High School Cohort. 

September

• In the beginning of September, I was asked to be apart of the Southeast Emmaus Team for SEE Weekend #30 in November. I'm so thankful to be back in this organization after my last time on SEE #21 in March 2015! My role is Chief Aux- a big role for my first time back, but one that I feel okay to do. 
• A lot of September was taken over by my new position at Great Oaks. Along with this, I started the process of reinvigorating the High School Student Council. I'm hoping it can be an environment where my scholars can experience some very real and consistent professional development amongst their variable environments. 
• Other than work, I've been enjoying the love and joy that comes from going home every weekend... even if sometimes I overextend myself and run around the whole time I am home... maybe one day I'll learn that every experience I have, no matter how productive, will be worthwhile if I make it my mission to learn from each, but for now I'll be greedy about my experiences I guess :)
• On the 28th I went up to the Winchester Pickle Festival to some UPBeans! It was a joy to see quite a few people that I miss so dearly and I'm so glad that I was able to just up and leave to do that. I can't wait to see them again... hopefully it's sometime soon. 
• Throughout this whole month I've been trying to start the Grad Application process. I was hoping that I could be done by the end of September, but that didn't happen...at this point I'm hoping I can just be done with all my first draft essays by the end of this month. 
• And the real reason why this blog post is late: at the end of the month Rhonda, my 2005 Honda Pilot, was having some trouble. I was so stressed that I regressed to my best (worst?) neurotic tendencies of making to-do lists for every day and checking my watch every 10 minutes to make sure each minute was producing something... yknow all that healthy stuff. I'm very blessed to have the amazing support and love of so many people when I made a gofundme to help me out. It's really amazing how the worst of times can still be filled with so many blessings. Thank you to all those who provided financial and/or emotional support. I love you. 

Now... onto the meat of this post. 

First- a few reflections of the past few months of blogging:

During this year I have been attempting to explain bits and pieces of myself and have dubbed it my "Exploration of Self" Series... which is interesting because this whole blog is meant to be an Exploration of Self, but there's just been something so deeply personal about my blogging experiences lately. 

As part of the Exploration of Self Series, I attempted to explore the many different parts of my Name- as sort of a subset of the whole series. I'm thankful for this experience because it made me feel empowered. There's a certain power to uncovering etymology and exploring meaning, especially meaning associated with the first thing people know about me, my name. I'm proud to have been able to explore different parts of my identity using those different parts of my name and am thankful for My Search for a Purpose in general. I'm hoping these next posts can carry a similar amount of weight and power. 

(Alexa, play "My Power" from The Lion King: The Gift)

Lately, I've been doing a lot of exploring in my daily life of themes of a "Homecoming". Meaning: I've been "greedy" for experiences in both Bridgeport & Groton, and in general, because I'm really trying to make the most out of my time home... the last time I've spent this much time in Connecticut was all the way back in 2015 when I was 17 years old. I'm exploring what it means to come back to my home state a completely different and evolved person. I'm exploring what this looks like in my relationships with family, friends, and the new friends I've made in Bridgeport. I'm exploring what this look like in terms of my relationship with myself- in terms of finding a home within myself. 

As a part of the exploration of this Homecoming and finding a home within myself, I've been joking with my friends about different Eras of my life.

Era 1 is what I describes as my general childhood. It encompasses my life up until December 29, 2010. I had worries, but not the maturity needed to advocate for myself or truly understand the implications of life events happening around me. I experienced loss, love from my family, and started questioning my experiences.

Era 2 I'd like to say happened after my dad passed away (hence the date Era 1 ended) up until the summer after my senior year of high school. Life suddenly seemed definitively finite- death finally took someone close to me and left a void in a space that was occupied by potential- the potential of a stronger relationship with my father and the potential of being a completely different person than I am now. I was still trying to find myself, but at the same time attempted to find what I felt was missing since my "childhood was stripped from me." I was depressed before I knew what depression was. I expressed myself in goofy and annoying, but genuine ways. I was afraid to show all the different nuanced parts of myself because I wasn't yet capable of articulating who I was and was so unsure of myself all the time. I developed relationships that I truly thought I would keep for the rest of my life- no matter how tumultuous and toxic. This is a time when I was frequently told of how mature I was when it came to communication with adults, but was not able to communicate well with people my age... I truly struggled with sticking up for myself and while my personality has always been bold and semi-confident, I think I lacked true conviction behind my actions. I wasn't yet empowered to be my best self. 

Era 3 I'd like to say were my first two years of college. I acted in truly toxic ways and put a lot of toxic relationships on the top of my priority list instead of myself. I didn't spend much time critically thinking about what was right for me, nor did I feel the sense of confidence and freedom that I believe accompanies Era 4. I tried to Search for a Purpose, especially through my blog, but lacked the abilities to commit and actually think that I had something worth saying. I eventually gave up.

Era 3.5 I'd like to say were my last two years of college. I had made commitments to prioritize and love myself. I restarted my blog during this and actually wrote posts that I think described my current life journey, relatable content for people that I know and love, and discussed deeper themes of identity formation and self-discovery. I started my position on UPB and learned a lot about the type of program development and community building I actually enjoyed doing. I grew a lot, in terms of exploring religious education and subsequently, power, oppression, and hierarchies. This was when I finally had the freedom, since I had dropped a lot of toxic relationships, and the confidence, from coming into myself, to be able to effectively articulate my mind-state. Of course, I'm still getting better at this. I realized that it's okay to always be a work-in-progress, as long as it's not at the detriment of yourself or the people that you impact. I still made plenty of mistakes, and continue to do so, because that's a part of being human, but I also developed the courage to own up to them and attempt to make amends and forgive myself. I became a student activist, I came out publicly, I explored my blackness and queerness, I learned about how deeply entrenched white supremacy is, and I started therapy. I learned what it was like to live in an apartment I could not afford and I started to really critically think about what my future could entail, because I knew then that it wasn't going to be neuroscience. (Joyce can attest that she was there for the quarter-life crisis that would eventually catapult me into some of the life-defining things that I think Era 4 has in store for me.) I found a home within my relationships; my relationship with therapy, my academic scholarship, my friends, and my family, but not in a place- Burlington was ultimately terrible for me for many reasons, and while I will always cherish the memories I made there, I will not miss living there.

Era 4 is this current era of establishing a sense of home within myself and figuring out what the future has in store for me. I'm very excited to be this person that I've become and to experience so much more. My Facebook album, HΘMΣCΘMING catalogs the beginning of my Era 4 journey.

As part of my "New Beginnings." post (my first blog post on October 24, 2015- again HAPPY ANNIVERSARY) I included my "About Me" from my Facebook. I only thought it was appropriate to end this post with the same thing:

My name is Jamal Davis Neal, Jr.
Welcome to my About Me.
I hope whoever reads this learns more about me, whether it be an old or a new friend.
It's pretty long though, so I wouldn't blame you if you didn't.

R.I.P. Daddy, I miss and love you so much.
12/19/72-12/29/10

I'm trying to love as much as I can, but it's hard, so please be patient with me. This love includes love for myself and for others. I believe love comes from God because God is Love (1st John 4:7-8)

I grew up in a small coastal town called Groton, CT.

I am a 21 Year Old Graduate from the University of Vermont with a Bachelor of Science Degree in Neuroscience with minors in Chemistry and Religion.

I'm currently working in an AmeriCorps position at Great Oaks Charter School in Bridgeport, CT as a Fellow/Tutor. This job is giving me real experience in an underprivileged population and I've learned a lot about urban education and the many challenges associated with this work. I feel very blessed for the education that I've received thus far and am hoping that I can be a source of light and love for the freshmen I work with, inclusive of helping them understand that education can be a path toward freedom.

I'm currently applying to Masters' in Divinity & Social Work programs because I feel called to spread light, love, and truth and believe that this can be done through making meaning-making accessible to youth. I want to explore young people's' faiths and intrapersonal relationships and support them in ways that I feel I lacked during my life experience. When I get to the middle of life, I want to know that "that's why I live." -Beyoncé, Homecoming

One of the biggest things that is central to my identity is my spirituality. I hope that my actions outweigh the words I try to use to prove my Christianity. I hope to be a beacon of light through Christ by shining love onto people. My goal is to never have to prove that I love God.

I love music and Tidal has helped me discover more and more. If you want to know my current jams, you can find me there (a lot of them are on a playlist I've curated with Joyce, called Swerve.)

I enjoy using social media and even have a blog I'm trying to keep up with. It’s called My Search for a Purpose and you can find it at this link: [http://existwithmeaning-jdnj.blogspot.com/]

Something salient to me, as an individual, are the goals that I set for myself:

One of them includes letting go and letting God because I still rely too much on my own instinct. I believe that this includes always striving to be my best self, which can be found in self-love and appreciation; the best way to celebrate God's gift of life. I hope to explore my faith more in future education, self-discovery, and scripture study.

The next goal I have is to discover more about, and to show my love of, being Black. In wanting to be a beacon of love, I also want to be a role model for people of color. To do that, I think I need to learn more about the history and current events of what exactly it means to be black.

Another goal of mine is to understand and appreciate my queerness. I hope to make a blog series about this #soon, but for a while I really shamed myself for being attracted to more than just women, and now I'm really trying to embrace and explore that.

Yet another goal of mine is to become more and more emotionally vulnerable. My journey in therapy is the best aid in this goal. Additionally, I have developed strong, intimate relationships with people that I love and know love me, and I only want to dive deeper. I want to not only feel all the emotions I'm meant to feel, but to be able to express these effectively as well. Being more vulnerable will only help me become more and more the best version of me.

Lastly, I'd really like to focus more on my weight loss journey. I can try to blame circumstances for my weight, but it really only comes down to my own might. This is something I've "been trying to work on" for years, but haven't really. I feel a sense of self-awareness when it comes to the life habits I need to change in order to be healthier, a self-awareness that I haven't felt before. I hope that this feeds my drive to go to the gym and eat healthier. Part of this journey has so far included getting more into meal-prepping, counting calories and macros on my Samsung App and researching better apps to use to help with my nutrition. I like going to the gym and have recently been trying to get into more powerlifting techniques, because I don't just want to get in shape, I want to be strong AF too!

All in all, I want to keep exploring my many different identities. I want to keep growing through all my experiences and I hope that my journey through life is filled with light and love. Most of all, I want to share this with the people I love; part of the reason why I care so much about the "About Me" section and part of the reason why I have my blog.

I hope that through my exploration of love for myself, I encourage, inspire, and challenge others to grow, live with, and love themselves.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.
(It used to be MUCH longer)

Thanks for reading!