Nobody Likes You When You're 23

Dang Jamal! Back at it again with another late blog post. 😬😬
~Aaaaaanyway~

November

• The month started off with a very small, but nice Virtual Emmaus Reunion. It was a nice time spent just chatting with the Greens and Rachel about life and the future of Emmaus and all that. 
• On the 2nd, I had a meeting with the Associate Dean of Student Affairs here at Yale to offer some programming for students over our ~extremely long~ winter break. It was a nice conversation where we talked about the future of YDS events and what could be in store for the Spring Semester. 
• On the 4th and 6th, the other YDSG 1st Year MDiv Rep, Crichelle, and I held office hours to talk to some of the people who are part of our cohort. It was a nice time to get to know some of the people we're going to school with! I'm hopeful we can continue to offer times like these in order to get to know our class a little bit better and to build community. 
• Throughout the month I had conversations with multiple people about future jobs and internships related to both of my degree programs. These conversations make me excited for what's to come!
• I was also gearing up to present an event through my job Tsai CITY in early December. 
• On the 19th, I decided to tune into UVM Interfaith Center's Zoom Dinner & Dialogue. It was a great time to catch up with Laura Engelken. I'm always thankful for her presence in my life. 
• On the 20th, we had our last day of classes for the semester!
• On the 21st, Will and I hosted a few of the people in our Quarantine Pod for a very nice get together before he left on the 22nd. I'm thankful for the community of friends that we have during this isolating time, and for the opportunity to celebrate with a nice roommate.
• The last week of November was rough and I watched 120 episodes of Naruto.... aha ha
• Throughout the month I also had some particularly intimate therapy sessions which I'm very thankful for. 
• On Thanksgiving, my family, who have all been isolating for long periods of time, got the chance to join together for some delicious food prepared by me! We had: 
• Fried Pork Shoulder 
• Tostones 
• Green Bean Casserole 
• Dirty Rice 
• Biscuits, and 
• Banana Cream Pie!
• And of course, other things happened, but that's not the point. 

Nobody Likes You When You're 23

On December 2nd, I was blessed to have turned 23 years old. 

There's a joke that goes around, based off of Blink-182's song "What's My Age Again?" that Nobody Likes You When You're 23. 

I think that 23 is a pivotal moment in young adulthood. It's a liminal space that exists where you are not-quite-college-aged anymore, yet also not-quite-completely matured (considering where our brains are at!) It's a period of great emergence. Many use this time in their lives to really focus on themselves and what they want their future to look like--perhaps this is why no one likes 23-year-olds. They hella selfish! (We?)

Some of us move back into our homes, others move out. Some find semi-permanent jobs, some start their careers, and others pursue education beyond undergrad like me. 

For me, 23 is the first birthday I've had where I've lived in a semi-permanent residence that I'm financially responsible for. The first apartment I lived in was with Joyce in Junior Year of college, but I hadn't yet moved out fully from my home in Groton and it was only for a single year. At this point in my life, I don't foresee myself ever moving back home to Groton again. 

The second apartment I lived in was mostly paid for through AmeriCorps, so that equally doesn't "count" as it was also only for a year (or, months at a time because I moved within my AmeriCorps program twice.) The third apartment I lived in was for 2 months in New Haven with Rebekah and Roddy and was extremely temporary; I barely unpacked my things!

The apartment I inhabit now is one that I am growing comfortable with staying in throughout the duration of my program. Will is a good friend to live with, the location is wonderful, and the amenities are nearly unmatched. For the first time in a while I no longer feel quite as nomadic. For someone who craves stability, yet is equally distrusting, it's taken some time and energy to feel completely comfortable with no longer living in relatively temporary spaces (especially considering my last living arrangement and the horrific experiences with Great Oaks.)

Can I trust it? Am I allowed to let my guard down? Should I be prepared to leave this space at the drop of a hat? Should I allow myself to get comfortable, really? Do I deserve the stability I crave?

As someone who has had a lot of temporary relationships, it's been challenging to allow myself to exist in comfort and to establish bits of home within the few loved ones I've already found in New Haven. I'm thankful for the opportunity to grow with these people (as well as continuing to grow with my other friends) who claim that they love me and I'm increasingly willing to allow myself to feel that love. 

Thank y'all for your patience and friendship. Thank you for trusting me more than I trust myself sometimes. I'm learning that, even when I feel fragile, I am ever resilient, and y'all have been a part of that learning. Thank you for not giving up on me like so many others have. Thank you for recognizing my humanity and viewing my imperfections as reflections of the divinity that is within us all. 

A Video of me, Jamal Davis Neal, Jr. at the exact moment in which I turned 23 (2:14am), celebrating the "Holiday" that is my Birthday. (Stream Holiday by Lil Nas X) Not pictured: the wonderful Cherice who stayed up with me on a Facebook Messenger call.

As a reflection of 23 years of life, I would like to close with a selective 23 lessons I've learned in the past 23 years. Do I keep all these lessons in mind all the time? Hell no! But that's okay. I'm learning, growing, and increasingly incorporating these into my daily mindset. 

1. God is good all the time and all the time God is good. 

My relationship with my Creator has made me shed many tears as I learned and unlearned God's nature. Over the years, I've learned what it means to be fearfully and wonderfully made. I've learned what it means for God to be Love. I've discovered within myself and the people who love me reflections of God's divinity. I am thankful for the challenges God has seen me through and for the opportunity to grow from each and every one. 

2. There's no standard definition of Blackness. 

All the years that my Blackness has been reduced because I "talked" and "acted" white were covert reflections of white supremacist associations of educational achievement with whiteness. These ways of being that I inherited were ones that enabled me to "pass" in order to "seem more" than my Blackness. I am who I am and I can't and don't want to change that, but I can recognize the oppressive systems that lead others to think these harmful associations and I can disrupt and break them. I am Black and I am proud of that. 

3. White Supremacy is our Greatest Enemy & 

4. “In a racist society it is not enough to be non-racist, we must be anti-racist.”- Angela Davis

White supremacy is an oppressive cage that traps us all. We must dismantle systems of oppression in order for us all to be liberated and live equitable lives. We must continue to educate ourselves and strive to be anti-racist in order to recognize and deconstruct Anti-Blackness. This includes some of the deep-seated hatreds that we hold within ourselves. We must continue to decenter whiteness and the stranglehold white supremacy has on our society. 

5. There's nothing wrong with being queer. 

God loves me no matter what. I cannot control who I'm attracted to and who I fall in love with. And why would I want to? In the words of Lizzo: "See my vision: rainbow smitten. It's easy baby got the whole world for the picking! You can be my lover 'cause love looks better in color!" God is the always good, all-power Creator of the Universe and all things in it. Why would God create just to send to destruction? That doesn't make any fucking sense. 

6. I am an excellent scholar. 

Though the pursuit of my neuroscience degree left much to be desired and led me to feel unintelligent and disengaged, I still gained insight for the future. I am now pursuing my passion. I love it and I'd like to say I'm doing pretty well!

7. Blood does not define family. 

So many of my blood relatives dropped the ball in creating a lasting, powerful relationship with me. I've felt abandoned and like I didn't offer enough in order to be desired. Many friends I have made have shown me that they love me and they want me. They are my chosen family. 

8. We don't need anybody, but it's nice to want people in our lives and to be wanted. 

The only person that you have to live with is yourself. Our friends and family are an added bonus. It's of vital importance to develop a healthy relationship with yourself and to not rely on your relationships with other people to define who you are. 

9. It's okay to not be okay (let yourself feel!),

10. Being vulnerable can be a way for us to feel connected in our shared humanity, &

11. It ultimately feels nicer to be seen, heard, and understood than not. 

We are human beings. We have the opportunity and ability to express our emotions. Most of us are blessed with the ability to feel a complex array of emotions. For those of us who have the privilege to do so, why do we sometimes choose deception over vulnerability? Being vulnerable allows others to be vulnerable alongside you--that's part of the purpose of this blog and part of what I strive toward in my own life. Vulnerability allows us the ability to not only be connected in our shared humanity, but to reflect the little bits of God within us all. In acknowledging our own woundedness, we are able to tend to it and we can allow others to tend to us. In healing from our woundedness we become able to help others heal. It feels good to allow ourselves to heal and be healed.

12. When people say hurtful things, they are oftentimes derivative of their own projected insecurities.

As someone who is constantly worried about how they're perceived, I really struggle keeping this in mind. In tense conversations where people hurt you, I challenge you to interrogate that hurt. Why are you so bothered by what they said? Is what they said true? If so, what about what they said was hurtful? Can you address that with them so that y'all can communicate more openly and peacefully in the future?  How could what they said be a reflection of their inner feelings? What are they really trying to tell you? What can you learn from this interaction in general? 

13. Temporary relationships can teach us something too. 

I have learned and learned and learned so much about myself through the friendships that have come and gone. I am thankful for every one of them, no matter how messy or hurtful the endings were. They have taught me how I give and receive love. They have taught me my limits. They have taught me to develop boundaries. They have given me walls to overcome that challenge me to become more than my current self. I have survived all of these and I will continue striving toward a future of not just survival, but thriving. 

14. Music is just the best. 

My outlet. My prayer. My time to reflect. I love singing. I love listening to music. I loved playing an instrument. I love the community that grows around music. Music is truly one of humanity's greatest gifts. 

15. Life is hard & 

16. We are One people. 

Life can be good, but being a good person takes a helluva lotta work! There are so many things to continuously learn, to pay attention to, to listen for, to strive to know. No one person is the same as another and so they can't be treated the same way; developing intimate, passionate, compassionate relationships with individual people can be difficult and requires tender care, patience, and love. On top of that, we have to break and reform these broken systems that keep us in place. There are so many disparities that plague our society and we have to constantly strive to make our world a better place for all people, not just for ourselves. It's all so complicated and there is a lot going on, but whether we like it or not, we are a global community–we share this Earth. No matter how hard we might try to live as independent beings, we are not meant to be without community. We are inherently social and we depend upon one another to make this world a better place.

17. Nobody's Perfect

The simple fact of the matter is: you won't achieve everything you want to. Every single dream won't come to fruition. That's not a pessimistic way of viewing the world, it's just realistic; we are human and we have limits to our capabilities. We must learn to live and dwell in the chaos of life, allow our plans to be disrupted, to be swayed, to be changed. Like my best friend Joyce would say, we are similar to plants: when we are stagnant, we are dying. Always strive toward your dreams and don't allow yourself to die, but don't get so caught up in ticking all the boxes that you forget to live your life. Don't get so caught up in worrying about the future when there's a present to be enjoyed and explored and a past to continuously glean learnings from. 

18. Cartoons are not just for kids. 

Why limit yourself to the vast array of content that can be consumed? Why put an age limit on cartoon watching? Some of the best lessons that I've learned about life have been through the wonderful cartoon shows that I've watched like Steven Universe, She-Ra and the Princesses of Power, Avatar: The Last Airbender and Avatar: The Legend of Korra, Naruto, and My Hero Academia. I had a conversation with Jane (the other half to my Garnet and the Glimmer to my Bow) about this a couple of months ago. She found a tweet that said a lot of people like shows geared toward younger audience because: the humor is less likely to be rooted in offensive and below the belt jokes; the plot doesn't usually rely on drama like who's sleeping with who, etc. (although I love Grey's Anatomy 😉); the colors and the scenes are much more vibrant, playful, and imaginative; and there's usually more lessons about being a good person as well as diverse characters to learn these lessons from.

19. Sometimes I have to be stronger than I really am, because then I'll actually start to believe it. I can grow from anything. 

Thank you to my bestie Liz for reminding me of these during some rough spots in my life. Therapy is a tool that I utilize to cope with my insecurities, depression, and perceived shortcomings. I am thankful for it because it allows me to develop healthier language and feelings toward myself. In tough times, I try to remind myself to be grateful for all the many blessings in my life, including my talents, gifts, and abilities. In time, in practicing this gratitude toward myself, I incorporate it into my general feelings toward myself and I'm learning to believe in the resilience and strength that I possess. Through the things that I've overcome, I've learned that I truly can grow from anything. 

20. "You can be in debt for education, but they can't repossess it."- Ilyse Morgenstein Fuerst

It's easy to get caught up in the financial stress of higher education. So so so easy because why tf is it so expensive to want better for yourself? It's important to keep in mind, though, that the world can take so much from us except the things that we learn. This is not only the things that we learn from academic studies, but also the things that we learn from our peers and the things that we learn about ourselves. I'm thankful for the people who have supported me in my achievements and I'm so excited to do what I feel called to do through the things that I learn in the rest of my graduate school journey. 

21. People need to hear that you love them. 

Don't let people assume that they know you care about them. Showing them might seem sufficient for you, but no one receives love in the same exact way. It might be hard to say out loud, and it doesn't have to be in exactly those words, but the absence of vocalized love and care is palpable. Tell the people you love that you love them before you no longer can. 

22. Your space and energy is sacred.
(Thank you RiRi for this suggestion.)

Spend your time the way you want to! Have those tough and honest conversations when you need to spend some time alone! Allow yourself to be alone, despite the loneliness you may feel. You deserve to spend time with you. You deserve to love yourself. You deserve a relationship with yourself. Allow people in, but don't let others dictate how you feel. Allow people to love you, but take the space, energy, and time to love yourself. Don't exhaust your personal resources for others. 

23. I love my fucking self and I will continue to strive toward greatness.

I am worth it. I am worth loving. I am worth being. I am worth taking up space. I am worth continuously growing and becoming more. No matter how many times I fall, or how hard I fall, I will continue to get back up. ("I'm not gonna run away and I never go back on my word. That is my nindō: my ninja way!" -Naruto Uzumaki)

Thanks for Reading.