Love Drought

Hello and welcome to another blog post!

Thank you for keeping up with me and my blog and for reading and for surviving the humid July days in order to read yet another post! I've added even MORE images for your reading pleasure!!

First, as usual now, an update on my life:

• I'm still working at Abbott's, but tomorrow is my last day and I'm excited to spend my last few days in CT hanging out with friends and not worrying about doing anything else besides packing 
• I leave for VT on Saturday for RA Training, and then Peer Advisor Training, and a little bit of UPB Exec Training, and then my last year at UVM!! I'm very excited to begin the year, do all the activities I'm doing, and see my friends in Burly again! I don't come home until October 5th for Nicki Minaj's concert and Indigenous People's Day Weekend so this is going to be THE longest stretch I've ever taken away from home. I'm excited to be fully immersed in my school environment, but I'm a little nervous to be away from home for a full two months! But at the same time a little relieved because my family is crazy :) 
• Last week JANE was HERE. Garnet was finally fused after a few months of being unfused and honestly whatta blessing. But, in all seriousness, I'm glad that I got to spend as much time with her as possible because she is just such a joy in my life and I love her so very much. Pretty soon I'm going to purchase tickets so that I can see her in Caliiiiii!!! <3 I'm excited.

Ruby (Me) & Sapphire (Jane) fusing to make Garnet (from Steven Universe)

• I got to attend the wedding of Jordan Brayman & Amanda Southworth. The Braymans have been like my second family for a lot of my life and it was amazing to see Jordan get married to his best friend!
• And lastly, but certainly not least, if you've been following ANY of my social media accounts, you would know that this past week I got to have the best time as Director of Vacation Bible School at my church last week! 20 kids got to learn more about Jesus, participate in Games, Arts & Crafts, and Science experiments, as well as sing songs about Jesus rescuing us when we're Shipwrecked! VBS was such a successful blessing and I can't wait to direct VBS for a few more years to come. 
• Life is such a blessing and I'm glad that I not only have the ability to enjoy it as much as I can, but also the ability to share my journey with anyone who is interested. I love life and even though it's hard to always appreciate what life has to offer, I'm glad that I can look on the brighter side of things most of time.

Onto the Beyoncèr part of my blog post!!

"Love Drought" is the 7th song on Beyoncè's LEMONADE album. Interestingly, I recently found out that "Love Drought" wasn't originally written by Beyoncè about Jay-Z, but was, in fact cowritten with a songwriter by the name of Ingrid who was instead talking about a Parkwood Entertainment representative lying to her. Although this was the original motivation behind the song, it fits perfectly with LEMONADE in that it can be interpreted as a lover speaking to someone who's hurt them. 

The most prominent lines for me in "Love Drought" are "But you my lifeline, think you tryna kill me? If I wasn't B, would you still feel me? Like on my worst day? Or am I not thirsty, enough? I don't care about the lights or the beams spend my life in the dark for the sake of you and me, only way to go is up, them old bitches so wack. I'm so tough, wassup?" These lines just hit extremely powerful for me. She feels as if, if she wasn't B, as in popstar, world-stopping, Beyoncè, would he still be into her? She doesn't care about all the money and power she has if it means losing him. "Love Drought" just seems to call out all the absurdity behind cheating on her. 

"Love Drought" itself is part of LEMONADE's chapter on Reformation. Reformation literally meaning coming back together. This is a chance for them to build their relationship back up, as long as they throw away all that was bringing them down in the first place. During this chapter, Beyoncè asks very important questions: "Why do you deny yourself heaven? Why do you consider yourself undeserving? Why are you afraid of love? You think it's not possible for someone like you." These questions really hit home for me, not only because of their weight and impact in terms of the whole album and their relationship, but also because who isn't afraid of love?

With my friends, I sometimes joke that I have a commitment issue, which I would think is completely true. A lot of this might contribute to why I haven't had a significant relationship in my life, but I don't think that's the only reason. However, I do believe it may be impacting my ability for making future connections. 

Right now, with the dates that I go on and the people that I meet through dating websites, I feel like it's okay that I have commitment issues. I'm able to explore the best and worst parts of myself in the temporary relationships that I have, even if these relationships are just friendships. (In fact, I feel as if a lot of my commitment issues stem from losing some friendships in the past, which I have talked about in my blog before.) 

I feel like these commitment/possibly even abandonment issues may stem deeper than romantic and platonic relationships, and may be something to explore in future therapy sessions that I may have, but I feel as if the root problem is that sometimes, when things are getting too serious or too deep or my emotions get wrapped up in something, I can become anxious and wary and definitely retreat into myself. In these times, I think that someone can ask me the same questions "Why do you consider yourself undeserving? Why are you afraid of love? You think it's not possible for someone like you."

At one point, I feel like I was afraid of being loved- and I still am sometimes. I think that this has led to me being confused about my sexuality, something that I know I will struggle with as I attempt a lot of firsts in my next romantic relationships. Even more importantly, I think that this has led me to freak out whenever I love someone and they decide to love me back. I feel as if now, I'm more afraid of giving people my love. I feel like it's been taken from me a lot and it's hard to know when someone actually deserves my love.

Not saying this a bad thing, either. Everyone has flaws and everyone has something that they need to work on. Not only have these commitment issues led me to explore myself and my thoughts more, but have also helped me to realize what's more important to me. This may change once I have more serious relationships, but I've come to realize that having and raising children seems much more important and appealing to me than having a long-term significant other. I want to reflect the unconditional love that I receive from God, and I find that would be ideal for someone who I can love even before they exist, my child, rather than a partner that I need to get to know and fall in love with. I'm glad to know that about myself and am happy with the goals that I have for that.

I'm also glad that I have the introspection that I have because 1. it makes my therapy appointments a little easier and 2. because they don't need to end when the session ends. My introspection allows me to search for a purpose and My Search for a Purpose is to journey into self-reconciliation and self-care and self-love in order to create a more loving, caring, and better Jamal. I want to continue to work on reforming myself, not just so that I'm able to be loved the way I want to be loved, but so that I can love myself the way I want to be loved. 

Not so deep down, I know that I am deserving. I know that I can love and be loved. I can't wait to find someone to do that with, but until then, I'm going to be a little too busy loving myself, God, my bed, and my momma. (I'm NOT sorry)

Until next time!

Thanks for reading! <3