BS from UVM: Bachelor of Science from the University of Vermont

Hello and Welcome to Another Blogpost!

First, and foremost, an overview of the past two months of my life! (The past two months, because in my last post I did not include an update for April.)

April

• So the beginning of the month of April was a little bit rough because I was dealing with a Student Conduct hearing related to my use of amplified sound during a rally against injustice lead by NoNames4Justice. The hearing was long and the conversations I had afterward were longer. Three people I want to especially thank during that time are one of the hearing officers, Troy Hendricks, for his patience and support through the process; Alexa Erb, for being the best human on the face of the Earth; and Daphne Wells for trying her best to explain everything 
• This hearing ended with me being found not responsible, but I incurred no sanctions other than a written warning about further disruption on campus. 
• The weeks, in my mind, seem to blend together- I went to the gym only four times in the whole month of April because it was already just hard enough to get myself out of bed when I didn't need to be doing something else. Homework piled up, my mind wasn't in the best spot, and I'm just thankful for the people in my life who just kept me going by being in my presence
• On April 11th, I had my last Dinner & Dialogue with the Interfaith Center- this one was focused on generosity. Everytime I had a discussion, this year, based on themes of Joy, it seemed as if it was a continuous challenge of my mindset- these conversations acted as an island, a reprieve from where my mind was at. 
• On April 13th, I attended a workshop led by Rev. angel Kyodo williams. During this workshop, I longed for a more intimate and, affinitive experience and wished I had gone to their time with the Mosaic Center for Students of Color
• The next week, I attended a Siblinghood meeting of people of color at MCSC and enjoyed time in affinity, I had coffee with one of my favorite professors who provided information on what I could do in my further schooling, I had my SexToy Bingo event, which was so not stressful to plan or run At ALL until, I had to pick up the sextoys from a place that couldn't figure out how to remove tax from their receipts... which isn't hard, but I digress.. not wasting my energy on that 
• And then I went home for Easter... not without having a rough conversation with a family member on why it was significant for me to attend my church service instead of theirs for Easter- my favorite church holiday of the whole year. Later that day, instead of having a home-cooked meal, my family decided to go to the Panda Buffet- which was a less than ideal experience seeing as the restaurant has gone down in quality over the past decade. 
• I then returned to school, relatively refreshed from my weekend spent with family and friends who are family. That week I had a ProductionBonding event, in which I got the old Production team to meet and offer some words of advice to the new Production team, I attended a First Year Experience Event focused on being a Queer/Trans Person of Color put on by my good friend Michael Chan. It was great to reflect upon my own first year experiences. I then had Springfest! Which was a lot of fun, especially since Elizabeth & Mikey came up from CT to enjoy a weekend with some of my friends in Burly. I had a few stressful experiences, but all-in-all, Springfest was a great show put on by great people who work really hard at what they do. I'm so thankful to have been able to attend it as one of my last events of my Undergraduate career. 
• I closed out the month with a delightful Residential Life Banquet and a nice last meeting with the wonderful Rachel Greene. 

May

• That brings us to May!
• May was also a tough month in terms of mental health. I tried, to the best of my ability to have a few appointments with my CAPS counselor before I left UVM, and those sessions were definitely extremely helpful. I'm so thankful for my counselor and the work she helped me through this past semester. 
• On the 1st of May, I had the Student Life Awards Banquet recognizing amazing community service from some friends of mine! This included surprising RiRi with her mother and teacher from Elementary School! I'm so glad I got to be apart of such a special moment in the midst of a rough semester. 
• On the 2nd, I participated in volunteering at a Youth Center in Burlington as a part of my final for my Social Work course. I am very thankful for the experience to just relax and hangout with some middle schoolers who helped just put my life into perspective with their apparent lack of perspective. It was a reflective time for me and also informative in the fact that it helped me gauge my abilities in working with Middle Schoolers. 
• The 3rd was my last day of college and UPB's End of the Year Celebration- what a wonderful time to be amongst friends and, quite honestly, family, to end my collegiate experience. I'm so thankful for UPB and all that it provided me and I know I'm going to bring all that I learned from my experience on that team in all of my future endeavors. 
• The next week I had my last Duty shift for my RA position, which went along smoothly, as well as my last shift at the CWPSCR front desk, and then I immediately went home the next morning- somewhat to bring some stuff home, but mostly to just be away from campus and work on my unessay- the last assignment I had for UVM. On that Wednesday I interviewed for the Groton Parks & Rec Department and the next day, on my way back up to Burlington, I was offered a job as a Program Leader. 
• I also finished my unessay for Islam & Race, a podcast titled Dear White People, Vol. I, which can be checked out here: https://existwithmeaning-jdnj.blogspot.com/2019/04/dear-white-people-vol-i.html
• It was well-received!
• After that, we closed the two buildings I worked in as an RA all year and I said goodbye to the people on my wonderful RA staff. I would just like to give a special shout-out to Matt, my fellow enigma for being a rock during that whole experience. Thank you for becoming one of my best friends. I love you so much.
• The weekend before Graduation, I went on a trip to Montreal with some good people- Joyce, RiRi, Michael, and Tessa. What started out as a little idea I had to celebrate the fin to college turned into a wonderful weekend filled with good food, great sights, and even better people. I'm so thankful that the four of them are in my life. I love them. 
• Then next week Joyce and I did Senior Week stuff! We missed out on the Class BBQ because we were coming back from Montreal, but we went on a Cruise on Lake Champlain, Went Bowling, KICKED A*S in LASER TAG, enjoyed a Hypnotist show where I was Totally Hypnotised, and just enjoyed our last moments together. In this time, our friend Mikasi took Graduation Photos for us, Joyce and I beat X-Men Legends, an old PS2 video game, and we went out more times in a week than I probably ever will for the rest of my life. 
• During Senior Week I also spent a few hours with my favorite professor ever, Ilyse Morgenstein Fuerst, had my last CAPS appointment, took pictures with my fellow Senior UPBeans, said goodbye to mentors and friends, attended the MCSC Graduation Brunch, and the HESA and Honors College Graduation. 
• My family arrived on Saturday evening and drove me crazy immediately. I'm thankful for my mother, her boyfriend Ryaz, my Uncles Warren and Chris, and my little Cousins Genesis, Valentino, and Abbott for coming to my Graduation. 
• Graduation was long, and hot, and brutal, but it was a time I got to be surrounded by people I loved and people I would never see again. I'm thankful that I attended both my Commencement and College Graduation and I'm so honored and thankful to have been a recipient of The Keith M. Miser Leadership Award, one of five senior awards awarded at commencement. I feel so blessed to have been rewarded for the work I put into making UVM a better place and I hope I keep the words I wrote when applying for the award in all I do and say: 



"'Do nothing without intention" (Solange, When I Get Home, 2019) 
is a valuable life lesson; don't make decisions without critically thinking about 
what it does to and for you and others."
• After Graduation, I spent time with some friends at Nick's house. I love you, Nick and I'm so thankful for your continual friendship. I then spent some time with Joyce's family. The next morning, I said "See you later" to my best friend and then headed home. I originally was going to put something sappy here, but we seriously can't go one week without saying something sappy to each other, and I'm so very thankful we have become those people. Joyce, you know that I love you so very much. Thank you for being one of the first people to try and know me completely, to love me to the best of your ability, and for being the other pea in our pod for four years. I meant it when I said "see you later" and I trust that you know that. 
• The next few weeks were a blur of my grandparents moving back into my house out of a retirement living arrangement, which was never the best fit for their condition in the first place, but y'know what's life without a few hiccups, adjusting to living back home, spending time with my family, laying in bed and watching Netflix a little too much, and a little more too much time spent in my own head, but not being completely alone. I'm also thankful for the rest of the month for allowing me to catch up with friends and family. 

So now we've come here, to the meat of this post! At this point, there's probably a little wondering as to why this post is named the way it is and what exactly it's going to entail. Am I right? 

This post is meant to be an overlook of my whole collegiate journey. I was first inspired to make it during a meeting with the head advisor for my Undergraduate Diversity Fellowship, Jinny Huh, where she explained it might be a good idea to provide an overview of my journey for future students at UVM who might be like me.

My main hope is to inspire out-of-state, first-ish generation, Queer/Trans People of Color. This post, this letter, this- is for them. 

The naming of the post is a joke! "BS from UVM". I'm hoping that people understand what BS is in another context (hence the joke/double entendre), but it also means Bachelor of Science- the degree I received from the University of Vermont. 

Alright. With that out of the way, let's get started! Just a warning though, this is pretty long. 

Pre-College Context

Just for context, I want to reflect upon my time applying for schools and a little bit of high school in general. In fall of my senior year of high school, my dream at the time was to go to Yale College to study Molecular & Cellular Biology in order to eventually become a neurosurgeon. Where did I get this idea for what I wanted to do? I'm not sure and I never will be. I can't say it wasn't influenced at least a little bit by Derek Shepherd from Grey's Anatomy. (Him dying the day I went to Accepted Student Visit Day should have been indicative of how wrong I was when I made the decision I made, but hey- they say Hindsight is 20/20)

If you knew who I was in my sophomore and junior years of high school, I think these goals would've made sense. This was when I did my best in high school, was involved in the most things with as much balance as I could muster, and was much more interested in science at this point in my life. 

My english teacher my junior year of high school loved my college essay- a work in which I explored death and my relationship with my father. My senior year english teacher did not like it and sent me notes on it each time I sent it back. I ultimately submitted a final version without his final approval while I was on the bus for a Marching Band competition two hours before it was due for early submission. It was not my best work- in fact, I loved the original copy I left junior year with, and I think my teacher let some of his personal insecurities about fatherhood and masculinity interrupt the meaning of my work. I've learned to value my voice a lot more in the years since, and am appreciative for that learning opportunity. 

My senior year I most definitely experienced burnout. I was the only senior I knew at Fitch who had one block off for one whole semester and I don't think I should have taken AP Chem, Anatomy & Physiology, IB Higher Level Math, AP English, and AP Bio all at the same time (along with Chamber Choir, Honors Latin III, Civics first semester, and all my extracurriculars.) I ended AP Chem and AP English with a C or D, and I think the reason my deferral from Yale became a rejection had to do with my plummeting GPA. It was a good thing that I was accepted to UVM at this point, right?

In choosing colleges, and figuring out financial aid, and scheduling visits to these schools, I did not have much assistance from my family. I don't think that anyone else was as adaptive to these systems as I was at the time, and I wish that my family was able to provide more in this alley, but I know now that that is asking for things that they are not capable of. And I'm okay with accepting that. 

One thing that has been difficult to accept, however, is my family's role in the decisions I made for my collegiate education. College was never an option for me; it was an expectation- I mailed colleges when I was 10 or so asking for information from them- information that I couldn't comprehend at such a young age and information that wouldn't be as relevant 6 years later when I started applying. I'm thankful that it was an expectation though; I wouldn't be able to do the things I want to do without the education I have and want to continue pursuing.  

Growing up I had always wanted to be a doctor- reflecting on my life at this point, I feel like this want was a combination of the yearning I had for wanting to help people and my grandmother's influence- a science teacher who was smart and hard-working enough to become a doctor, but didn't have the access to resources like I do now. My earlier years were subtly influenced by this regret I feel like she felt, and on the worst days with her at her current state, I would even admit that she was somewhat emotionally manipulative. Maybe this was to help me have a better life, maybe this was to make sure I was different than her children? I'm not sure. It's something I think about from time to time, and something I hope to explore in a later blog. 

When I first thought about how brainwashed I felt from my family- it was around 8th or 9th grade. At this point I wanted to break away from this doctor expectation and pursue ministry and music education. I didn't know what either of these entailed- all I knew was I wrote pretty good sermons and I love God and I loved music performance. I thought that pastors only worked on Sundays, and I could teach for the rest of the week and have Saturdays off. 

My family was supportive enough. Supportive in the fact that I felt like I was listened to and that they valued what I had to say. Comments about my "decision," however stemmed around how much money I would make, something I wasn't necessarily concerned with and something I'm continually not concerned with. I felt supported by my church in my decision, until my Youth Minister had to leave because of budget concerns. Maybe if he kept in contact with me, I would have kept this decision? I'm not sure. I do wish my church encouraged my gifts a little bit more, and I'm thankful for the relationships I do have within the church now. 

I kept this thought of what I wanted to do, ministry & music, until spring of my sophomore year of high school- that was when I made the decision between taking Honors Physics or AP Music Theory my junior year. I chose Physics- I chose Science. I chose going into medicine for my future. 

I was doing well in school in general at that point, but I actually enjoyed writing essays and DBQ's for AP US History. Maybe if this passion for writing was fostered and encouraged more, I would have kept the decision to pursue something related to history, like religion. 

Either way, I maintain that I was an independent, free-willed body, but I think one of the reasons I was granted the independence that I had was due in part to me never straying from the ideals that I inherited from my family- a lack of intention for what I really really wanted out of my life and the impact I wanted to make on this Earth. I was independent, but still weighed down by emotional trauma and the expectations of my family and the expectations I had for myself. I didn't know I needed guidance, and I'm sure I could've revolted against it at the time, but I do wish I was looked after more earnestly- how should a 16 year old decide things that impact the rest of his life when his family is able to encourage other things? I could have used more consistent presence in my life, but at the same time I know a lot about myself because of my personal shortcomings and failures and victories. I'm thankful that each meaningful experience I've had in my life has been orchestrated by me with assistance, but at the same time, sometimes I'm envious of those whose parents plan college trips, or keep a calendar for them or their family, or are just more able to focus on their children's future instead of trusting their child to make all the decisions. 

With choosing Physics for my Junior Year of high school, and then the 3 science courses for my Senior Year, I had made the decision to pursue pre-medicine. Fast-forward to the 9 applications I submitted for college: Yale, Columbia, Dartmouth, UMass Amherst,  Drexel, Clark, Stony Brook, UVM, and UCONN; Deferred then Rejected Dream, Rejected Reach, Rejected Reach, Didn't Offer me Enough Aid, Didn't Offer me Enough Aid and also I don't think I applied correctly, I only applied because it was free and a friend went there, I only applied because it was free and a friend went there, my Back Up, and my Back Up I really didn't want to go to. 

When I was making the decisions as to which school I would go to, it was largely by myself and was quickly narrowed down to UVM or UCONN. Around visiting time, there were two of my really close friends who were heavily considering UVM, one even decided to submit their acceptance before withdrawing it due to parent wishes. What drove me away from UCONN were the number of people from high school that would be going there and my need for a fresh start. UVM was slightly more expensive, but I also got into the honors college which was great! Right? My mom asked me, "where would you be happier?" Things I didn't consider were demographics, weather, or other departments of interest- what mattered was cost, relative distance, and really, the Honors College. I chose UVM. I originally chose Biology as a major because I thought I'd be able to double-major in that and in Neuroscience- which I thought it'd be important to explore since I wanted to become a neurosurgeon.

I met who would later become my best friend at Accepted Student Visit Day, both of our first times visiting the school. We met again at Orientation- and the rest is history. 

First-Year:

I decided not to do much during my first year of college in terms of extracurricular activities, because I attributed the burnout I felt the previous year to my extracurriculars. My only friends at school were honors college kids, mostly because we lived in the same building and it was easy to connect because of our shared class. 

I didn't identify as queer yet in this point of my life, and every time I felt the feelings that I felt, I immediately felt shame. I think I was letting people know I wasn't completely straight by describing myself as a C/D1 on The Purple-Red Scale of Attraction.

I knew I was black, but didn't exactly know what blackness entailed for me, except increasing awareness toward people looking at me being shot by police. I had yet to develop my black identity, as it wasn't something that was explicitly discussed at home or really, at school. 

I had a lot of free time that I did not spend effectively. I skated by high school without studying, save for the overwhelming senior year I had, I knew I wasn't going to allow myself to sleep a maximum of 4 hours a night like I did senior of high school because I knew what was and wasn't sustainable for me. This free time I spent partying and Skyping people from home, but mostly the latter because I was afraid of what our relationships would turn into if I didn't contact my friends every single day... I missed plenty of social engagements because of my focus on friends from home, and I honestly regret the energy I spent.

At this point, my grandmother also started experiencing major, obvious deficits from dementia and was diagnosed with breast cancer. The turbulence that had started in my home life definitely affected my abilities in school and my ability to manage stress. No one was prepared for this, and, retrospectively, I don't know why because I think it's pretty obvious, now, how early her mental state was deteriorating- I would go so far as to say it started around the time I started driving if I think too long on it. 

The courses I took were General Chemistry I, Calculus I, Exploring Biology I, and the Honors College introductory course, The Pursuit of Knowledge for the first semester. The first three classes were filled with material that looked familiar, but I didn't grasp the second time around. POK could've been a good course, I think, if I didn't have the awkward, uncomfortable, and unreasonable professor that I had. I realized, at that point, that the Honors College isn't perfect, save for the nice housing it offered, and this class was just so indicative of pretentious collegiate elitism. If this philosophy class were structured more like my Rel 100: Interpretation of Religion class, I think I would've enjoyed the class more, gotten what I was supposed to get out of it, and held respect for the Honors College.

At some point in the fall I started working at the UHeights North & South front desks as part of my work study. 

There was drama with my friend group from home that didn't really escalate that far, yet, but I definitely spent a lot of energy just making sure the group stayed together.

The courses I took in the spring of my first year were General Chemistry, Calculus, and Exploring Biology II, as well as Intro to Psychological Sciences, and a D1 Class, part of the first-year Honors College spring courses, Ways of Knowing: Race, Literature, and the Danger of a Single Story. The first three classes went similarly to the first semester, Intro to Psych was right up my alley and my first A in college, and the D1 course really opened my mind on problems like Black Male incarceration and recidivism rates, as well as being my second A in college. I'm thankful for that course in many ways, save for the free use of the n-word in that class which, retrospectively, I wish I was more thoughtful and outspoken about.

That was the first and only time I took 18 Credits in my college career. 

I did poorly my first year of college. So much so that I lost one of my scholarships from the University. I  appealed this loss and was denied. This made attending UVM much more expensive and is a major cause of my massive student loan debt. I had to attend mandatory Honors College advising sessions to be encouraged to do better and maintain my standing within the College my sophomore year. 

Everyone from home said "No worries. I know you'll do better" instead of encouraging me to pursue a different major or pursue a different school. There was disappointment coupled with expectation from my family. I'm sure, due to my communication style, my friends weren't necessarily comfortable with addressing these concerns with me. I'm not sure. I wish I could have felt intrinsically what I needed to do, to change, but the urge wasn't strong enough. 

I thought I could improve- could still be a doctor- should stay on my path. 

I stayed with Neuroscience. 

That summer I took an Intro to Sociology course at home online through a Community College. It was nice and informative, but also pretty easy.

I also stopped talking to a friend that, retrospectively, I was in love with, even if I didn't know that was what I was feeling at the time. This made me cling tighter to a friend group in which I was already ready to not be friends with half of. But! Like all toxic relationships, we stayed together for longer than we should have. 

I got my first car that summer. 

Sophomore Year:

At some point my friend group fell apart- and that's a story for later and earlier blogs and time and effort. Some of us didn't talk from February to May. There was deeper stuff as to what all happened- it was messy and complicated and exactly the opposite of what I needed. I definitely encountered depression, but didn't have the articulation, confidence, or self-awareness enough to identify that what I was feeling was that and what could have helped was behavioral therapy, offered through our school for the cost of the student fee we already paid! Unfortunately, I did not access this resource until Junior Year. 

Nick and I moved into a 2-person room within a 7-person suite. It was an... interesting living experience. 

Along with working the front desk, I decided that I wanted to be more involved on campus- to make me look more well-rounded on paper, because of my love for organization, and also to fill in some of the free time I had too much of- I chose to run as President of our Hall Council with my friend Mari running for Vice President. We also both took up 1-2 days a week Delivery Driving for Papa Johns to make some extra cash. Hall Council wasn't too much of a time commitment, was a lot of fun, I got to eat a lot of free food, and I was able to go on 2 North East Affiliate of College and University Residence Halls Regional Conference, at SUNY Oneonta in the Fall and SUNY New Paltz in the Spring, as well as one National Conference at Purdue University Memorial Day Weekend. These conferences were fun, energy-packed experiences that I'll cherish for a long time. 

The one person who encouraged me to switch my major was the Honors College Advisor, who I didn't trust that much. They encouraged me to switch to a Psych major, but I thought that this defeated the purpose of my major, so I refused. 

The courses I took in the fall were Genetics, which I didn't like very much, Organic Chemistry I, which I loved, but didn't grasp very well, Learning, Cognition, & Behavior, which was okay, but one of the instructors for the course didn't teach very well, Research Methods for Psychological Science, which was just....a mess and was an ineffective course, as well as Music in Live Performance, which was just going to concerts with Joyce and writing about them... it was so much fun and I'm so thankful to have shared that time with her.

I came out to my friends and family over time during the fall. I don't know if my whole family knows- I know my little cousins don't, but I feel life I've provided ample opportunity for the adult members to know this information... I'm not sure how to go about making sure that everyone knows, and I know I don't have to do that... but I feel like I owe myself.. I'm not sure. We shall see. 

The courses I took in the spring were Stats for Psychological Science, which was less of a mess than Research Methods, but still kinda a mess, Organic Chemistry II, in which Orgo finally just clicked inside my brain and I got it and could WHOOP mechanisms' A*S, Exploring Neuroscience which was tied for my worst collegiate course... which should have been indicative to dropping the major, but y'know!!!, and Molecular and Cell Biology, which went okay, but I didn't like that much because the professors were... interesting. I didn't take any honors college courses the whole year because I was in probation and planned on dropping it because I wanted to spend my energy on possibly exploring another minor instead of doing Honors College stuff. I think there's a possibility I could've stayed within the college if they offered me more resources other than just the advising... like what to do if you're struggling in your major with real-life examples, or something more, but at the end of the day, we weren't a good match.

At the end of the school year I was discovered and then hired to be on UPB all for just sending a nice email about Springfest tickets. I'm so thankful that the system didn't work perfectly, because I never would have had the life-impacting experience I had on that team. 

Overall, I didn't do that well in my courses and was forced to consider that maybe pre-med wasn't right for me and I should have a backup option... I contacted Anne Clark in the religion department about getting into one of her TAP classes. She replied saying that it was only for first-years, but I could skip an intro class and take her 100 level Christianity class... that was the beginning of my wonderful religion minor my junior year. I wish I fell in love a little quicker so that I could have pursued a major, but I also felt like I was too deep into Neuroscience at that point.

Junior Year:
I started to become extremely disillusioned with the idea of higher education because of the lack of success I had had in college to that point. I'm thankful to Junior Year for showing me what my collegiate experience could have been the whole time, and am so blessed that I really, truly started figuring out who I was.

This was the year that I got an apartment with Joyce. The day before I left for school was extremely stressful because my family was going through financial difficulties, but we ended up figuring it out. The stress, however, was not worth it and I applied to be an RA for my senior year to avoid feelings the feelings that I felt about having an apartment. I'm very thankful for the meals, laughter, conversations, and love I shared with Joyce and I'm glad to know what does and doesn't work for me in a living situation. Thank you for doing that with me, Joyce.

I had started seeing a CAPS counselor, just because I thought it would be good to unpack some of the many feelings that I have. I mostly talked about my problematic friends and financial stress and my family, and I'm so grateful for the full year of counseling I experienced with my first counselor. It was just nice to have an unbiased body weigh in on the things that bothered me.

I no longer worked at Papa Johns because of my new job at UPB and because I eventually got a side gig at The Skinny Pancake at Burlington Airport. That job was... interesting, but I'm glad I got to spend a few months there.

I began working for the WOW Squad and putting on events in late August. I met a bunch of cool people and some of them, to this day, are friends of mine.

The courses I took during the first semester were: Human Neuroanatomy Practicum, which was... not taught well. I made up an experiment with two other students and it just wasn't... good, but I'm glad I had some research experience I guess; Elementary Physics I with Lab and Recitation, which idk about you, but I actually enjoy Physics. It was a lot of hard work, but I'm glad I did it- also it was required for my major, Piano- which was not great! I know how to read music and played piano when I was younger... there wasn't too much instruction and I just feel badly for the students who didn't know how to read music at the beginning. I also participated in the Jazz Vocal Ensemble... it taught me how much I missed music and how awkward I can be with jazz rhythm; Christianity with Anne Clark and a D2 class of Comparing Religions: Native American Traditions, Islam, and Buddhism, opened my mind and eyes to the world of religious studies. I'm so glad to have had these courses and to have finally fallen in love with college. I also started the year with Biochemistry, for premed, but one day I had just decided that that course was going to ask too much of me.

On the first night of the UPB Retreat I was surrounded by so many lovely and encouraging people when I decided to drop Biochem, and, subsequently, the pre-med track. I called my mom in tears about it and she just responded: "Do things that make you happy. This obviously does not. I won't be disappointed." There's still pressure from my family in terms of why I'm not pursing medicine, or whether or not I was getting all A's and B's, but for the first time in my collegiate career, I just knew I needed to feed energy into something I loved.

I went into Junior Year very much needing to focus on myself and living in the present moment at college. I told my friends from home: less Skype calls, less texting; our group chat had already fallen apart by that point, and I was taking time for myself. Some may claim that they lost a good friend through this, but I think that it's their fault for not trying harder.... and I'm okay with accepting it.

Junior Fall was my best semester of school and for the rest of college I earned semester GPA's that I was finally proud of. I went out to parties almost every weekend, had plenty of visits from friends from home, spent time with friends at school, and really felt like I had re-found a calling for religious education. I'm thankful to the religion department, UPB, my college friends, and my apartment for allowing me to be refreshed.

My work on UPB, attending the Next Step Social Justice Retreat, and being surrounded by much more Queer individuals and more People of Color on such a white campus made me realize this unsettling feeling I was developing from living in Vermont... as I developed more and more social awareness, I learned more and more what was increasingly important for me- and that meant starting a journey into active social activism. I believe that social activism is inclusive of just living your life as a marginalized individual, but I also am blessed a powerful voice that I started using in efforts toward social change on campus. I'm still developing my marginalized identities, through educating myself, reading, internalized thoughts, interacting with others, conversations with friends, and therapy, but I believe some of the real energy I had for social activism started my Junior Year.... I started realizing how isolating it felt to be part of an 11% population of students of color at UVM... and how isolating it felt to have had only one professor of color in my whole college experience.

That spring I attempted to become more active in the social activism scene on campus. I worked with people of color to present a list of demands to the deans, and was successful in setting up conversations with the dean from the College of Arts & Sciences, my college. I'm glad i did all that I did, but it was also so emotionally and mentally taxing.

For the Spring Semester I took Inorganic Chemistry to finish out my Chemistry minor. It was a really good and interesting class, and I'm thinking, in another life, I would've like to have done something with what I learned from that class. I took Physics and withdrew because I was taking it "for fun..." which was just not smart... but, at the same time, I couldn't anticipate the energy I spent during the protests and social change happening on campus. I took a course called Diseases of the Nervous System and learned a lot about Bipolar Disorder, because of the amount of research me and my group did on it. I took a sort of sequel course to my Christianity Course, called Seeing the Sacred- focused on visuality within the Christian tradition during the Middle Ages... a lot of the content went over my head, but I'm so glad I took another course with Anne Clark before she went on sabbatical during my Senior Year. Lastly, I did an Internship with the Interfaith Center at UVM and worked with the lovely Rev. Laura Engelken... what a delightful person to have gotten to know. I'm thankful for the energy she provided me when I needed to rant about friends, or needed to figure out my next life-steps, or just needed calm. I'm glad to have taken apart in more than a few Dinner & Dialogue discussion to learn more about myself and my values, and I'm glad I could help get the ball rolling on introducing Prayer & Meditation Spaces at UVM. I'm also glad I got to work with Eliana Fox and Carolyn van Arsdale during this time.

In the Spring Semester, I also revitalized my blog with a LEMONADE blog series. I explored the themes of each of the 12 songs of Beyonce's Lemonade, how they each related to my life and the music and overall incorporation of the album. I'm glad I renewed my interest in writing and have made a blog post every month since January 2018... sort of. I encourage anyone who wants to have more knowledge on my Junior Spring and Senior Year to check out the other posts in this blog... with special emphasis on "Forward" onward. I think I articulated a sense of my calling in this world and started a strong development into the person I want to be.

I also was chosen to be the incoming Director of Production for UPB, a role that taught me so much about my supervisory skills and fostered amazing connections with people that I love. Recruitment Season was super busy both of the years that I did it, but I'm so glad to have met so many amazing people and to have gotten the chance to work with them. Thank you, UPB.

During the summer I took Development Psychology, and fell in love with it! I talked about this with a friend that I ran into at Walmart, Erica Watson, who encouraged me to maybe pursue Social Work in the future... especially if I wanted to possibly work with children & youth.

Going into Senior Year I think I finally knew what I wanted to do with my life.

Senior Year:
Being an RA was one of the most interesting experiences of my life. I think the biggest takeaways I have were:
1. How entitled middle class + people can be.
2. How much people took things too seriously.
3. Just how Chaotic Good I really am.

In the fall I took Emotional Development & Temperament, an interesting class focused on exactly what it describes; Advanced Cognitive Neuroscience, which also focused on exactly what it describes; Neurobiology, which was tough, but well taught; Religion in America, which allowed me to explore my own religious identity a little bit; and Interpretation of Religion, the best class in teaching philosophers that I've ever taken... it was in this class that I learned how Anti-capitalist I am, how much I hated the idea of doing things because tradition dictates them, and how much I appreciated my focus on intentionality. It expanded my mind, no matter how difficult it was.

I lost a friend to suicide and it rattled me in more ways than I can articulate. I learned just how delicate my mental state has been in the past however many years, and how keeping myself busy is good for me as long as I also make sure I have time to myself... time to reflect, to hang out with myself, to veg out if need be. I'm so blessed to feel all of the feelings that I feel and to have the emotionally vulnerability that I do, but at the same time... I need to make sure I take care of my mental state and not give people more energy than I'm able to give... to make sure I know how to speak up when I can't do something.

I trained to be a facilitator for the 2019 Next Step Social Justice Retreat and learned even more about my abilities to work with others, my need for affinity groups, and how to surround myself with people who can provide me with energy through that experience. Thank you, Next Step.

I also applied and got accepted to be one of the first Undergraduate Diversity Fellows for the College of Arts & Sciences. The work that I got to do in this role included having conversations with students of color about their good and bad experiences at UVM, developing focus group questions for these students, working with the Diversity Curriculum Review Committee Chair, and providing my own experience at UVM as a person of color. I also felt, in this role, the need to continue my social justice work through activism. As I described above in my overview for April, I had to go through a Student Conduct Case concerning my participation in a rally on campus. Things I've learned from this experience were to be more intentional with my activism and make sure that everyone is on similar pages in order to create and support a powerful message.

This past spring I took Human Neuroanatomy, a course in which I got to cut into actual brains and learn about... too many brain functions. It was grueling, but worth it to finish my major. I also took Speech & Hearing Science Online, to fulfill a requirement- I learned quite a bit about the human auditory and vocal systems. I took Intro to Social Work to see if it could be a path for me... I'm happy to say that the course furthered my interest in pursuing a Master's in Social Work in the near future. I also took Islam & Race with who became my favorite professor at UVM- this inspired me to continue my interest in pursuing future religious education in order to inform my understanding of politics, race, religion, social activism, and my faith. I want to be able to articulate my feelings and drive for social activism with an educated and well-informed, tongue. I'm thankful to Ilyse for feeding my fire with knowledge and increased self-awareness.

Over the course of my Junior and Senior Years, I finally started dating... had my first kiss... got plenty of cuddles and explored my sexuality a little bit... I'm still confused and questioning and learning and unpacking and discovering, but I do know I'm queer, at least! In the spring, I challenged norms for my gender identity... trying to reflect more of what I felt inside, and started referring to myself as "Name Only or He/Him" when asked what my pronouns were... I want to be defined first by my personality, who I am, my whole complex self than what a male gender identity constrains me to, and so I felt like this was appropriate. I'm going to explore this more as I continue to grow, educate myself, and learn to love myself more and more each day. In addition to this, I attempted to bend gender norms by wearing makeup: eyeliner, mascara, gold eye shadow, and THICC eyebrows... I'm so blessed to have been surrounded by people who were willing to grow and change and learn about themselves and understand that binaries are social constructs. Thank you, friends, for accepting me and loving me for me.

Conclusion: 
I grew during college. A lot. I can successfully say that I am a very different person now than when I started college. I've discovered more about blackness, about queerness, about enigmaness, about myself. I've developed not only a passion for intentionality, justice and equity, but I've also learned how to be a better communicator about these things.

Thank you to the people who stopped being my friends over these four years. Without the reflection I encountered through these turbulent endings, I wouldn't be who I am today. I'm blessed to be a better person than I was in friendship with you and I'm happy to continue this journey.

Thank you to those who stayed by my side to encourage, help, and witness me grow. You've grown with me and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life loving you.

Thank you for my mentors, colleagues, and employers for providing the opportunities for professional development that I needed to become the person I am today.

I'm so thankful for UVM even though it wasn't necessarily always fun and was definitely not easy... without my collegiate journey I wouldn't love myself as much as I do, I wouldn't know myself as much as I do, and I wouldn't be doing what I'm going to do with my life.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Also- there's a ton that I missed in here about these past four years, which is okay because it's already long enough. I encourage you to check my Facebook albums for the visual memories, my blog for my thoughts throughout college, and my twitter for the things that light a fire under my ass.

My next post "Jamal" should be out sometime in July instead of at the end of this month. I'm not sorry for the continual delay... life happens and life will continue to go on. I'm excited for it now, though, instead of the self-doubt feelings about it I was having a couple months ago.

As always, Thanks for Reading.