Light Blue, Pink, & White: An Exploration of Gender Identity

Hello and Welcome to the actual last post of my PRIDE! Blog series.

This post is going to be relatively short when compared to the rest of the series because the concept of gender exploration is still super new to me and I'm not the most comfortable being a resource for others in, what feels like, my limited view and experience.

This post is meant to act as a marker of significant times in which I became aware of people's ability to define themselves outside of the gender binary and how I've come to experience this identity. The stories that I will share have much more detail than I'm going to explore in this post, but I want to respect people's privacy and well-being; the stories will be brief.

My first encounter with someone who identified outside the gender binary was in my freshman year of undergrad. This person became a really good friend and was gentle in their corrections of pronoun usage. Although we haven't remained in contact, I'm thankful for the friendship we had then, for the laughs that we shared, for the patience they provided, and for their willingness to teach.

I got used to using pronouns whenever I introduced myself to new people and spaces and especially tried to do it when I wasn't prompted so that other people could feel more seen and understood. I think it's important to include and to normalize the expectation of verbalizing and displaying pronouns in order to create, develop, and sustain increasingly inclusive spaces.

After my first year, my experience with non-binary people was sparse until my senior of college in which I met two influential individuals; one who used she and they pronouns and another who used he and they pronouns. At this point I got to enjoy the community developed by QTPOC and other Queer and Trans people at UVM. I'm thankful for these people for helping me feel like I belong and that I'm allowed to exist as fully myself. I'm thankful that, with the support of my loved ones, I was able to publicly come out on Facebook in my Junior Year. I'm glad to see their growth and exploration from afar as some of them continue their journeys at UVM.

The two people I mentioned, though, were the most powerful influences in expanding my mind and helping me liberate myself from the limits that constrained how I expressed my queerness and how I expressed my gender. I am thankful for these two and will always cherish their friendship, wisdom, and love. I'm grateful to them for allowing me to become an enigma alongside them.

While I was developing my relationships with these individuals, I acted as a facilitator at a social justice retreat in which someone introduced themselves with "Name Only" pronouns; they preferred to be referred to by name above anything else.

This experience made me think: "huh, yeah. There are some spaces in which I feel I exist as male and masculine and while I appreciate that existence, I don't want to be constrained with the stereotypes and the assumptions associated with this gender identity. I exist as Jamal (Davis Neal, Jr.) and I would prefer to be referred as Jamal over anything else."

So, for a bit, I changed my "He/Him" on social media profiles to "Name Only|He/Him". I practiced what this felt like and introduced myself using these pronouns and it felt good for a while because I was finally able to express myself differently.

A few months later I started to explore my gender expression and found that makeup, albeit just some eyeshadow, liner, mascara, and nail polish, was a great tool for me to do so. I was encouraged by the people that loved me that this was fun, that I was safe, and that through this exploration I would be loved, cared for, and praised. I'm thankful for the people that allowed me to feel good about myself when I first started to do that because it really helped me become more myself.

When I graduated, I was left with so many questions about my gender identity and expression and how my queer identity intertwined with, and was defined by them. I reflected upon my conversations with the people I met at UVM, I talked with my friends and family, and I did some research.

During National Coming Out Day 2019, I came out as Genderqueer without using that exact term. I specifically said that I identified with "Name Only, He/Him, and They/Them pronouns":

Then, I felt like I was ready to embrace this side of me. I finally had the confidence to let people know that I exist outside of the gender binary.

A couple months ago, in June, I finally dropped the "Name Only" portion on all of my profiles. I felt like, while I still do want to be referred to as Jamal (Davis Neal, Jr.) above anything else, it was a necessary, but not ultimate, stepping stone for my ability to exist outside of the gender binary.

I'm now in a space in my life in which I consistently use both He and They pronouns. I identify as both male and non-binary for a few reasons. While I don't feel it's necessary to explain myself in order to justify my usage of both pronouns, I do want to hold space for the fact that it may be a little confusing.

First, I don't identify as transgender. While one of the most commonly accepted definitions of transgender right now is inclusive of all gender identities that are not cisgender, there are a few reasons why I'm uncomfortable with referring to myself that way.

I still also, right now, identify with my maleness and with masculinity as my dominant gender expression. This is how I most commonly feel comfortable expressing myself in public and in private. As someone who is attracted to men, there are stereotypical masculine features that I find attractive in myself and I find that to be an important part of my keeping this part of my identity.

Because of this, I'm afforded a number of privileges that some transgender people simply do not have:

I am safe existing in my body and in how I express my gender. I know that no one is going to attack me for my gender identity or expression. I am not marginalized in these ways.

If people were to attack me for my gender expression, it could be related to my donning of femininity, like through makeup, something I do not do regularly and that isn't a core facet of my gender expression or identity, as of right now.
If I feel that I am in danger, but want to remain true to myself, I am able to say that I am male and I will be believed in that because of my typical gender expression and because of my genitals.

I do not experience body dysphoria related to my gender identity; I don't experience psychological or emotional conflict with my body that is based in my gender identity or expression.

I identify as non-binary because I don't feel as if "male" is enough to describe my experience. I exist among, between, and transcendent from feelings and associations of masculinity and femininity. I am actively exploring what this means, what this feels like, and what this looks like. I am actively and continuously becoming Jamal Davis Neal, Jr.

I am proud to exist as a Black, Queer, Non-Binary/Male person. It's complicated to describe, but that's only because I am human and human beings are complex and strange.

Overall, I hope you got something out of this series. I hope you were able to learn and to reflect, even if that learning was just about me and my viewpoints.

I appreciate you for reading this part of my journey and I hope you got something out of it.

Thank you for Reading.

Thank you for enjoying my PRIDE! Series.