Three Years of Therapy

Hello and Happy Late Blog Day!
Y'all already know that life is a LOT lately so I am not pressed about this post being late!

Also! Happy 5th Anniversary of My Search for a Purpose. Thank you to those of you who have followed my journey since my first post on October 24th, 2015. 

Here's an overview of the past month: 

October:

• Wowie wow! October started off much better than September ended. I'm thankful for the closer connections that I've made with the people in my life and for the few times I allow myself to take a break from homework in order to catch up with friends from afar. 
• I'm thankful for the friends who understand the stage in my life that I'm in; who get it when the phone calls become a little bit more spaced out as I get a little bit more stressed out
• The month started off with me really kicking off my job with Tsai CITY as an Events Specialist. My supervisor, Abby, and I get along really well and our conversations are always refreshing. My tasks are to develop a little bit of community during this tough time, use some of my UPB skills to produce social programming, a little bit of administrative work, and to redesign some of the standing programming and events management. 
• Rhonda decided that she needed a new starter. I'm very thankful for my mom's boyfriend, Ryaz, for really providing a lot of tender care for my car. I'm really appreciative that he's able to and willing to help me out during such a tough time. Spending time with him and my mom is also nice. 
• We had a Midterm paper for History of Early Christianity and a Midterm for Old Testament Interpretation I. I'm really proud of the work I did for both of these and am thankful for the opportunity to test my knowledge! Sometimes, during Zoom University, it's really challenging to feel challenged in our work aside from our own self-discipline... and in a world already packed TIGHT with stressors, everything feels difficult.
• I've been losing some weight, which I'm thankful for. I'm NOT thankful for the fact that a lot of it is from feeling anxious and being sedentary (and therefore, not hungry), but I think I've achieved some sort of balance with the food that I am putting into my body. At least... more balance than I've ever had in the past. 
• On the 2nd I met with a past president of American Baptist Churches USA, Don Ng, as my Andover Newton Trustee Prayer Partner. Our conversation was refreshing and I'm so excited for the knowledge that I'll be able to glean from him. He was very warm and inviting:)
• On the 16th I was given the amazing opportunity to speak on a panel for a Div Ab (Divine Abilities-a disability advocate group and affinity space at YDS) and DivOut (a Queer advocate group and affinity space at YDS) collaboration. I felt like the life experience that I had was recognized, validated, affirmed, and appreciated. I'm thankful for the people who were really supportive in this space!
• On the 17th Clique got together to celebrate some old person's birthday! (Lol love you Roddy!!) We played Among Us and were super SUS with each other. I'm thankful for this wonderful group of People of Color that make me feel alive, loved, and appreciated. I'm hopeful we can get together again soon!
• On the 2nd and 31st, I had conversations about experiences of grief with students from my Pastoral Perspectives on Death & Dying course. These conversations really made me feel like I'm on the right path toward my calling and help me to be increasingly ready to unpack my own traumas and insecurities with others. 
• On the 26th I had a conversation centered around Internships and whatnot! This meeting made me excited for the opportunities that I have coming up! I also had another YDSG General Body Meeting where I was given the unofficial title of Chef for YDSG because I ate my homemade curry dinner in front of them. 
• Throughout the month I am thankful for my weekly Upper Zoom group, a sort of get-together, reflective, intimate space with really bright, sunshiny individuals. 
• On the 28th, I got the opportunity to join a cross-campus Queer BIPOC Town Hall. It was a wonderful affinity space and I'm excited for our future meetings. 

Of course, so much else happened, but that's not the point of this post!

Content Warning: Suicide, suicidal ideation, mental health

Three Years of Therapy

October 19th marked the 3 Year Anniversary of my journey with therapy and August 22nd marked my first full year with my current therapist, who has been the most consistent in my life so far. I felt like these were important and impactful experiences in my life that I wanted to celebrate and reflect upon here on my blog! As a celebration to these 3 years, I offer this post. This should be relatively short, because it's not like I'm going to rehash every session here, but I'm hopeful that this could perhaps inspire other people to consider therapy as a viable option for achieving mental wellness. 

Before I talk about the experience I had these last three years, I want to talk about my perception of therapy as I was growing up. 

I had always thought that therapy was for people who needed clinical help to deal with their "problems". When I was offered therapy at 13, after my father died, I declined for this reason. There was nothing wrong with me! Sure I was a little sad, but I had God right? I've realized, through critical self-reflection and therapy, that instead of dealing with my feelings, I threw myself into the things I was doing at the time: a play at my church where I distinctly recall adults talking about the impact of his death before noticing I came in the room; the mythology novel I was writing with close friends at the time; and making sure I finished 8th grade strong. It has been hard for me to admit that I was also suffering from quite a bit of suicidal ideation at the time, but that was the reality. I struggle with self-worthiness and in properly knowing that life has meaning and that it's worth it. Ultimately, I love myself too much to give up, but even still, sometimes, it's really fucking challenging. 

In 8th grade, I had to rehash my trauma to so many adults and subsequently became numb to my own emotional affect. The "sorry's" were not helpful solutions for the deep pain I was in; they didn't do anything for me and I actively resented the people who only offered that. Adults are supposed to know what to do, right? 

I thought that the sermon I wrote for my church the following June was healing, and maybe it was at the time, but in retrospect it was a denial of my feelings. I proclaimed that everything happens for a reason and decided that I was okay with telling myself that non-truth. Everything may happen for a reason, but there is no way for us to comprehend that reasoning, no way for us to know for sure why life can be so challenging.

I avoided therapy because I was conditioned to avoid my feelings. And now I'm here, confronting them in biweekly sessions. 

My undergrad, UVM, provides Counseling and Psychiatry Services (CAPS) to undergraduate students for "free". (There are quotation marks around free because, of course, this was paid for with tuition.) Oftentimes, the wonderful people who work at CAPS are not able to properly serve the great need at UVM--I was lucky to receive counseling once every other week (usually), but I know other people who weren't able to do that. 

The first time I thought of using this service was late September of my Junior Year. I was having a conversation with a really good friend of mine where we both came to the conclusion that it could possibly be beneficial to utilize this resource in order to unpack life experiences with a non-biased, uninvolved-in-personal-life, individual. I remember saying out loud: "I don't think there's anything wrong with me, but you know... maybe it would be good!" (I.E. avoiding the fact that I've suffered trauma and that I'm allowed to feel its effect and consequences.) I am forever grateful for this friend for many, many reasons, but this is definitely UP there. I don't think I would be where I am in life had it not been for that moment; had it not been for therapy.

My first appointment was 30 minutes long and was used as an introduction: here's what therapy is, here's my background, here's how often we could meet, and what are you looking for? I was randomly assigned a white woman who made me feel warm and allowed me to open up. I felt able to express my trepidation with therapy. I was invited into the space and felt assured that I wouldn't be judged for whatever I brought into it. 

I was able to stay with this therapist until May. Most of what I talked about with her were the stressors I felt about the toxic friend group I had at the time, financial stress, my dedication to focusing more on myself, my blog, the stressors that came with Junior Year of college, my career path, a little bit of my family dynamics, and a little bit about the first dates I was finally going on. I felt cared for and listened to. It felt warm and compassionate and every question was an invitation to look deeper within myself. I'm thankful for this experience because it taught me that therapy can be for everyone.

Going into my senior year, I knew that I wanted to continue therapy, but I felt there was a lot going on that I chose to continuously make me push it off. I was an RA, worked for UPB's Exec Team, went home a few times during the fall, and was doing a lot of career discernment. 

I was randomly paired with another white woman. Unfortunately it felt off immediately- I didn't feel like she had enough to say back to me and the way she looked at me felt a little too intense. I only had two meetings with her before I decided that it wasn't healthy for more to continue on. I don't even remember the things that I talked about with her. I'm thankful for this experience because it taught me that I am allowed to be in charge of how I want my therapy to go. 

Since my decision to see a different therapist happened in late October, UVM told me that it was too late to find another one- they were hard to come by with the semester winding down. 

At the beginning of the next semester I found that it was important to connect with a Black therapist. Since UVM is the way it is, that limited my options down to two people: a man and a woman. I felt that I wasn't exactly comfortable talking with Black men about my queerness (a trepidation I continue to have in light of the toxic masculinist experiences I've had) and so my decision was made. 

This therapist changed everything for me. There was a common language and I felt really listened to and understood- even more than I did with my first therapist. It really felt like I was missing something I didn't even know I had lost. I know now that it's cultural understanding and shared experience, simply from sharing a common, and important, identity. I was able to talk with this therapist about so many things going on in my life and I actively cried most sessions. At the end she gave me a parting graduation gift- letting me know that she appreciated my presence too. I'm thankful for this experience because it showed me the healing power that therapy can really provide if you allow yourself to open up. 

I met my current therapist on August 22nd, 2019. I spent the summer between graduation and that day looking for jobs and therapists at the same time. Therapy was a resource that I needed desperately, especially considering how depressed I was during that summer. Upon finding Great Oaks and starting my position, I asked people about therapeutic resources in the area and have been so thankful to find the therapist that I have now. She is another Black woman who has really pushed me to open up. 

We've talked about many many many different life stressors and she makes me feel affirmed, cared for, and understood; she always has something to say related to what I'm sharing and it truly normalizes my worries. Right now the main things that I'm working on with her are: my unwillingness to share my actual active, in the moment, feelings; feelings of abandonment; and imposter syndrome. She calls me out when I need it and I am always grateful for our sessions. I'm thankful for this experience because it has allowed me to exist as the broken sides of me that I keep hidden from so many other people. It has allowed me to be vulnerable. It has been a challenging experience. 

I'm thankful for the opportunity to continually grow. 

I'm hopeful that the recounting of my experience has made therapy sound a little less scary. (Or maybe it sounds even more scary, but I promise it's worth it!) If you or anyone you know is looking for someone to talk to with a little bit more depth about therapeutic experiences, please do not hesitate to contact me!

Thank you for reading.