Love Yourself!: The Third 💖

Hello and welcome back to another blog post!
It's a day late, but here we are.

First... an overview of a previous month:

October

October was a pretty chill month, but there were a few things that happened! (Other than my phone breaking on October 22nd, and not getting a new one until the 1st :) which was an interesting challenge to deal with)
On October 9th, I had a Doctor's Appointment in Groton, so I took the day off to do that and ended up catching up with my friend at Yale Divinity School, Heidi Butler. We enjoyed a meal together and caught up on the past few years of our lives. It was so positive and nice and I'm so glad to have been able to see her!
On October 11th, I celebrated National Coming Out Day by posting this on Facebook:

Happy National Coming Out Day!
Just a reminder: I identify as Queer (not sure what brand yet/anymore/right now, maybe bi, pan, we'll see, or we won't and that's okay)
Additionally: I use Name Only, He/Him/His, or They/Them Pronouns (no preference, but we'll also see)
Gender Identity & Sexuality are extremely fluid and mine are a part of what make me who I am. I'm thankful for the love and support I've received and felt from my God, my family, and friends and hope my Queer & Trans Siblings feel the same or can one day feel the same<3 #NationalComingOutDay #ComingOutDay #QTPOC
It was not well received by one of my Uncles... and I could spend a lot of time and energy on how much this hurt me, but I'm not going to do that in this post.

During the month of October I tried to start getting into Powerlifting techniques: mainly deadlifting and squats. On the 16th, I had an appointment with Crunch Fitness which showed me a little bit more of what I was looking for in my workouts!
On the 22nd, I did some unpacking about queerness and faith and my Uncle's comments with Laura, the coordinator at UVM's Interfaith Center. She really helped me reground some of the feelings I have about queerness and faith and I'm thankful she is a source of light in my life.
On the 31st, the gals of 701 (Rebekah, Shayna, Jazmine, & Grace) threw a great Halloween party where we danced, hung out, engaged in miscellaneous activities, and joined together in community.
I also wrote my New Beginnings Blog post!:)

Now onto the post: Love Yourself!: The Third is ...obviously... my 3rd post focused on Loving oneself!

My first post focused on this, I wrote 4 years ago on November 7th, 2015: "Love Yourself!❤"

It was my second blog post ever and I focused on:

Not being the biggest fan of high school relationships
Friends leaving their positions as confidants due to the obsession of their love life
Other people being their own, separate entity with their own sets of insecurities, problems, morals, thoughts, and life
Trust issues within relationships
Unhealthy symbiotic relationships
Finding solace in God, and
Honesty

The second post, I wrote 3 years ago on November 6th, 2016. It was posted after taking an 8 month break from my blog and the next time I wrote a blogpost was in 2018 when I started my LEMONADE series. "Love Yourself 2.0" focused on:

Recently losing a best friend that I was definitely a little bit in love with, but didn't know at the time:)
No one knowing you like you do
Allowing yourself to not be perfect
Life being an experimental experience
Being your own primary motivation
Never being fulfilled, not always being happy, and
Keep learning about yourself

I feel like, when I had written these posts, they were supposed to be these powerful, moving works of influence and deep messaging, but in reality they aren't. They were both written by someone who didn't love himself at all... who hadn't yet learned to unpack his queerness and emotional traumas.

I was 17 when I wrote the first one and 18 when I wrote the second. I'm 22 years old now- so much has happened in these past 3-4 years that has allowed me to know myself more and love myself deeper, and I'm so thankful for the few friends and family that I have that have stuck with me through this journey of increased self-awareness, discovery, and love. You know who you are. Thank you. I love you.

In my journey of self-love and appreciation, I've come to realize that there are three methods that we have to use in order to fully love ourselves. I'm going to talk about these in order of difficulty, with the hardest being first, and easiest being last. (This order is specific to my journey, you may identify differently):

Loving Your Past Self

Now, I don't know about you, but I feel like loving my past self is the hardest. This is the self that has made all the decisions that have culminated into your present moment. I feel like if you don't love your present self, it's due to something your past self could have changed. If we had known what we know now, we wouldn't have made the decisions we made. Unfortunately, our hindsight is always 20-20, right?

In my late middle-school, early-high school days, it was a running joke for me to talk about my past self in the third-person: "We don't love 12 year old Jamal because he was super immature and never knew when to stop talking" or "We don't love 14 year old Jamal because he was super immature and never knew when to stop talking" or "We don't love 17 year old Jamal because he was super immature and never knew when to stop talking" or... well you get the point. I would blame myself for being a certain type of way and for *thankfully* becoming a different person. When describing myself in these ways, I used a very myopic point of view.

I didn't allow for the understanding of why I behaved in these ways: to avoid addressing the insecurities I hadl or the darkness that laid under the surface after my father's death; or to hide my true feelings about my friends, family, and life experience. I also didn't recognize the most important parts of growing up: the ability to evolve and change and grow. I didn't appreciate who I was continually becoming. I wasn't respecting and loving the parts of me that needed extra nurturing, or attention, or care.

I think part of these feelings come from the people I used to surround myself with. The people who knew and would frequently reminisce about the old versions of myself, old versions that I no longer resonated with. They would try and fit me into this box of who I was, instead of allowing room for who I was able to become and who I have become. I'm thankful that these people are no longer clouding my judgement of myself.

One of the best ways I have learned to love my past self is through therapy. I'm thankful to be unpacking my emotional traumas and taking steps to forgive and appreciate my past mistakes and experiences. I'm thankful for the ability to be introspective, and to learn what behaviors I have possessed and to rectify those behaviors in order to continually become my best self.

I'm thankful to my past self for making decisions that have helped me become who I am today. I'm thankful to my past self for trying his best. I'm thankful to my past self for meeting and becoming friends with my best friends. I'm thankful to my past self for never giving in to my darker fantasies and wants. I'm thankful to my past self for never giving up.

Loving Your Present Self

This goes in the middle because it's so dependent on the other two, and I feel as if we have the wrong ideas of what loving ourselves is supposed to look like.

It doesn't look like loving every bit of yourself all the time.

It doesn't to look like being happy all the time.

It doesn't look like superb self-confidence with every decision you make.

It doesn't look like satisfaction or fulfillment.

It looks like forgiving yourself for your shortcomings; allowing yourself to fail.

It looks like protecting your energies and only giving energy to things that are truly worth it.

It looks like living for yourself without causing harm to others.

It looks like addressing, unpacking, and processing your insecurities.

It looks like learning from your mistakes.

It looks like a continual process.

The best way I show love to my present self is by immediately unpacking and processing negative emotions or thoughts. What can I do to I hate my body less so I can have less of these intrusive thoughts? or What do I need to read to have a better understanding of that concept instead of feeling like I'm stupid? or What can I change about my eating habits to feel less shame when I'm enjoying food?

I complement this with positive thoughts: Wow, that workout was really great and I feel extremely accomplished for being able to lift the much weight! or I have a lot to learn about this subject and I'm thankful for my abilities to learn or This meal prep is so delicious, nutritious, and filling. I'm so thankful that it is nourishing my body properly while being tasty!

I love very many things about myself and I'm thankful for the family, friends, and experiences that have helped shaped and molded me into the person I have become. I'm always working on loving myself more and more.

Loving Your Future Self

I said this was the easiest self to love, but I did not say it was easy.

Loving yourself is never an easy thing to do, because it takes work. It takes work to work past society's expectations of us. It takes work to work past our family's expectations of us. It takes work to work past our own expectations and limitations that we place upon ourselves.

Loving your future self is easier than loving your past and present selves because of the potential you have to shape your future self! It may take some work in the present, like learning to develop healthier lifestyles, sending in applications to grad school, or doing the work to make it through college. Sculpting the body you want, getting into grad school, and doing well in school are things that can help us love ourselves and our abilities, but they are things that only you have the power to enact.

Loving your future self also means surrounding your present self with people that want to see you grow and evolve and succeed. It means surrounding yourself with people you think are better than you. It means surrounding yourself with people who challenge you to do and be better.

Loving your future self requires a want to continue evolving and growing, and in order to grow, you have to will yourself toward that growth. You have to put in the work it takes to grow. You're not going to learn a new skill without practicing it.

The same goes for loving yourself.

Thanks for reading & see y'all again in two weeks!